On Monday, It's Back to Work

Well, tomorrow I start work...

Lola will be 3.5months old and this seems to generate a lot of opinions. Less so from friends in the US who's common response is "oh how nice that you got a long maternity leave!" But when I tell anyone here, the common response is "why?"

When a year-long maternity is the norm, it does seem a little strange, I get that. What makes me upset though is when people imply I'm doing Lola a disservice by leaving her at such a young age. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel guilty about this and that its not a big concern of mine. She is so young. But I can't believe what people say to me about it, as if its not going to be the hardest thing in the world for me. Here's a sample conversation from back in November.

Lady Behind Me in the Checkout Line: That is a tiny baby! How old is she?
Me: 10 weeks!
Lady Behind Me: Wow she is so young! I hope you're staying home with her for a long time.
Me in my head: Whats it to you lady? Don't answer her honestly, just smile and nod and this will all be over soon.
Me actually: I'm going back to work in January.
Me in my head: Didn't we just talk about this?? Whyyyyyy did you just say that??
Lady: Oh your husband is staying home instead?
Me in my head: Yes, just say yes.
Me actually: No he works too.
Lady: I guess you must have a really good job then otherwise it wouldn't be worth it. You're going to have a nanny I assume. What's the job?
Me in my head: I hate this woman.
Me actually: I'm a psychologist.
Lady Behind Me who Has No Manners: Oh I suppose you're making good money then. Well it must have to be good enough in order for you to afford that nanny.

Though this was probably the most obnoxious of exchanges, its not the only one of its kind thats for sure. Mostly though people here just ask, "do you really have to go back so soon?" and "can't you ask for more time?" or they try to be helpful by telling me, "I think legally they have to give you more than 3 months!" I even found out that at work they all were assuming that I would indeed be calling and and asking for more time, I think they may have even factored that in or thought of Jan 5th as a starting off point for negotiations. But, alas, it is what it is.

I guess not all of you reading this know why it is that I'm in this situation so I'll quickly recap. It all happened because I thought it would be a good idea to get some experience applying for jobs and putting myself out there. As my internship year was finishing at the end of August, I would be needing a new job at some point and I'm not the best at facing the anxiety that comes with looking for employment. Applying for positions forced me to spruce up my CV, start writing cover letters again, calling and talking to directors of programs and hiring psychologists at private practices, etc. I though that this would then make it easier to do this post-baby when I would undoubtedly be feeling tired and rusty. So when I got an interview at the job I'll be starting on Monday, I thought great, more practice. And then when I got a second interview it was the same. And then I got back from the second interview with a feeling that I might actually land this thing... and suddenly Sean and I were discussing various scenarios - How soon after having the baby would i be ready to go back to work? Is this job a dream job or something I could pass up? Would I regret it if I was offered the job and didn't take it? There were so many questions and it didn't help that at the time we had no idea what Sean's situation would be either.

In the end I was offered the job and when I told them that I was pregnant, they told me they could wait for me until the new year. From that point on I couldn't stop doing the math in my head - for ex: if the baby is born on this day then I will have this amount of weeks with her before I go back. When Lola was born one week early instead of coming later than expected, I breathed a sigh of relief: more time with my baby girl. 

I thought about work A LOT the first few weeks of Lola's life. Even though it was months away at that point, it felt imminent. It was actually a blessing in disguise as it got my ass in gear from day one especially in terms of Lola's sleep habits. I know for sure that if I hadn't had a deadline in mind, I would have been way more relaxed about it. Lola seems to have a natural inclination for sleeping well but had I been more relaxed about it, I could have unknowingly thwarted her efforts. It also made me enjoy my time at home with her more than I might have otherwise. Some days felt long and sad and during those low moments I thought to myself, the end is in sight and on good days I didn't feel guilty about sitting down and watching TV when I managed to find 20mins to myself. And it let me reframe my thinking - with Lola's feeding, instead of feeling like a milk machine as I would have if I knew it would be a year of this, I was able to think of those multiple times per day as a special time that we had to enjoy while we still could.

This last month has been all about preparation. I was so self involved at first. I thought that what would be hard about going back to work would be the exhaustion and me missing Lola so, I decided to attend a workshop (on Attachment, ironically) for the day and left Lola with my mom, thinking this would help me adjust. Well, I was fine (sort of, not really), meanwhile poor Lola had the shock of her life. I had bottle fed her a few times and knew she accepted a bottle and thought that was that, no problem if I randomly leave her for a day with bottles instead of boob. No easing into it, nothing. Lola woke up starving as usual only to find that mommy was gone and here was Nonna with some weird contraption coming at her instead. She did not appreciate it one little bit.

As a result of that day (and in combination with my refresher on infant psychology), I remembered its all about transitions and easing into things and practice practice practice. And so, thats exactly what we've been doing since that day in mid-December. I also eased her into spending time alone with Nanny and PopPop, her caregivers for the month of January. I know I drove my in-laws nuts as I came downstairs to hold Lola for a few minutes every so often but I felt it was important for Lola to know that I hadn't abandoned her. And as I left her alone with them for increasingly longer periods of time, she's gotten increasingly more tolerant of my absence. Yesterday she spent the majority of her time with her grandparents smiling like crazy and chatting away.

This is great news because its taken away the soul crushing feeling I've had since our practice half day with Lola's future nanny. Kayla was here for 4 hours and when she left I cried for 90 minutes straight. And not just a few tears, I was full out sobbing. It felt like somebody had repeatedly punched me in the stomach. I thought it would be easier leaving Lola with family but nope, last week when we did a trial run I found that it was just as hard to hear her cry when left alone with her loving grandparents. It turns out it doesn't matter how much I trust the person caring for her or how much love they have for her, it still felt to me as if I was abandoning my baby girl.

My mom keeps telling me that Lola will be better for me going through with this, stronger and more independent and I see that. In the last few weeks, Lola has been extremely clingy with me to the point where she would cry if anyone else, even Sean, wanted to hold her. And then there was her reaction to parties and get togethers. I'm not the best in social situations where I don't know people all that well and I was finding that Lola was picking up on this. Combined with her insistence on only being with me, it was starting to add up to a mighty antisocial baby. Now, with just half a week of practice of being without me for multiple hours each day, Lola has already improved a great deal. She settles with Sean as she does with me, she doesn't cry all day long with her grandparents, she is soothed by others, she smiles and interacts well even in my absence, and she's learnt to feed consistently from a bottle. Phew! That's a lot of great work for a little baby!

Because of all of this, I'm not as nervous about tomorrow as I thought I would be. I'm almost looking forward to it. I love being a psychologist and I've missed work so I'm excited to use that part of my brain again. And practicing being gone all day has helped me a lot. And I'll still get my mornings with Lola and a couple hours in the evening too...I'm trying to tell myself its quality not quantity. And I know she is in good hands when I'm gone so that helps immensely. Honestly what I'm most anxious about today is the early mornings and the monotony of the grind of a work week - things I would have to face regardless of if I was a mom or not!

So yes, I'm going back to work when Lola is very young and yes I suppose being home with her for longer would have been more ideal. But, I think we've made the best of the situation and I feel positive about it right now. Research shows that its not whether a mother stays at home or goes back to work that positively impacts her infant but rather whether a mother feels fulfilled with her life or not. And I think for me I'll be most fulfilled by being a working mom.

...or at least that's the story I'm telling myself ;)

Wish me luck!