"Working Mom"

I've almost been at work for two months now and I have to say...I really like it.

Of course there are some days where I just want to stay home and cuddle Lola for hours but thats just the thing - if I was staying at home full time, days of cuddles is not at all what would be happening. There'd be diaper changes, crying, nap refusals, groceries, vacuuming, Charlie walking, holding Lola while trying to do any and all of these things, etc etc etc. And to be honest, I get so overwhelmed by that. I found being a stay at home mom to be incredibly challenging. I just always felt as if I wasn't being successful at it. Even yesterday as I was enjoying watching Lola play on her mat, I felt incredibly anxious. I kept thinking, what do we do next? Does this qualify as "doing something?" What do I do if she starts crying?? Questions that I know the answer to only when I'm not overthinking it. And when I'm home more than I'm not at home, I overthink it.

Meanwhile at work I feel productive. I have tasks that for the most part have a clear beginning and end. I feel challenged in a way thats not so personal compared to the challenges faced in motherhood. And having Lola to rush home for has kept me more balanced. I don't let work run my life and I'm way more able to leave work at work rather than bring home my worries. 

All that being said, Lola is on my mind every single second and you can often find me staring at pictures of her or talking about her incessantly. And I'm often thinking in my head, work now so you can stay home with her later. Which makes me wonder if thats the key for me - always having something to work towards. I was happiest staying home with Lola when I knew it wasn't permanent and I'm happiest working when I imagine that one day I'll be at home again. If I keep believing the grass is always greener on the other side and the other side is just a matter of time away, I'm able to keep truckin' along happily.

The other thing is that I am very serious about leaving work as soon as I'm done for the day. No lingering, no small talk on my way out. I rush home so that I can have as much time as possible in my other job. And the fast-pace and multiple tasks that need to get done by 7:30 help give me just enough of a taste of life at home with Lola. When I tally up all that I still do - breastfeeding 4x each day (plus pumping at work), bathing on bath nights, making dinner, cleaning up after dinner, and putting Lola to bed - I feel great and not at all negligent of my role as a mom like I thought I would. And I'm also not completely and utterly exhausted all the time as I feared.

Now of course, I have to say, none of this would be possible if it weren't for Lola being the way she is. My little pumpkin is the best partner in crime. She rarely keeps me up at night, usually lets me get ready for work before stirring, took to breastmilk supplemented with formula like a champ, rolls with the punches, and greets me with huge smiles when I get home, providing me with the motivation needed to push through. Its also incredibly helpful that lately she reliably and readily goes down without a fight every single night leaving me with just enough time for myself. I don't think this adjustment would have been possible if I didn't have from 7:45 on to eat dinner, spend time with Sean, and wind down.

So that's my positive note for today. Perhaps made possible by the fact that its Sunday and Lola is currently napping. Ask me how I feel about my life choices in a few hours when Lola is done with naps yet is cranky, Charlie still hasn't been walked, and the Sunday scarys have hit...well, I may just have a different outlook on things... ha!

Happy Sunday! Here's hoping next weekend gets here before we know it!