Baby Brings Out the Best

Before Lola was born, I kept trying to get Sean to talk about what we were going to do when the baby inevitably made us prone to arguing. I figured taking care of an infant meant being sleep deprived and stressed out, two states of being that in the past have led to less than nice interactions between Sean and I. We tend to get grumpy when we're stressed and tired which causes us to be grumpy towards each other. Now throw in the fact that we are both extremely stubborn people and you get a recipe for endless conflict if we aren't careful! Its true that we are least patient and understanding with the ones we love the most - think about it, don't you let more things go with a friend than you do with your spouse? - and I was worried that adding a baby to mix as well as becoming more hormonal than ever before would lead us down a bad path. And I wanted a game plan.

Sean on the other hand kept asking me why I was preparing for the worst. What if we had an easy baby? What if we adjusted to being tired better than I expected? His argument was that there was just too many variables and we should be optimistic rather than plan for disaster. I was skeptical and truly did not believe that just going with the flow would be the most productive strategy...but turns out he was right.

It definitely helps that Lola has been a dream of a baby and I know that her easy temperament totally plays a role in all of this but from the minute we found out I was going to be induced, our relationship has felt more positive than ever before. Suddenly, we aren't unconsciously keeping score, we are letting things go more, we are picking our battles, we are working as a team, and we are rarely arguing.

Before Lola, I thought that I wanted everything to be fair. I didn't want to be "stuck" taking care of the baby just because I'm the mom. In my head I was thinking the baby is half me and half you so it should be a 50-50 job. Well, thats not exactly feasible. For one, Sean doesn't have the physical ability to feed Lola right now so there in and of itself means I need to be the primary caregiver for at least 8 hours of every day.  Then theres the fact that I'm not working right now while Sean is so to me it doesn't make much sense for him to be awake at night with us. Even if he could help by changing diapers during the night shift, I've come to think whats the point. I mean, I'm already awake anyway, why not just finish the job myself? In fact, I find that having Sean asleep beside us while Lola feeds at night is more than enough for me to feel supported by him.

Then, during the day I have no problem asking Sean to change Lola's diaper and to get me things that I need while I'm feeding her and he has no problem hoppin to it. He likes caring for her in any way that he can. He also holds her or hangs out with her so that I can shower or eat or run to the store. Basically, he doest whatever he can whenever her can. So, even though at this point I have to take on the majority of the responsibilities, I don't feel that its unfair at all. And I don't feel alone like I thought I would if everything wasn't exactly precisely 50-50.

But beyond the logistics of caring for Lo, theres also been a change in how I feel and how Sean and I interact with one another. Of course, situations arise that would have previously led to arguments but I find that instead of getting caught up in the emotions of it all and my temper getting set off, I am somehow now able to remain focused on what it is that is upsetting me and explain it calmly and rationally. And then other times, I just don't find it worth it to be upset about whatever it is that might have previously upset me. Its not even that I don't have the energy to argue, its that I don't care to. And I think Sean is finding the same thing to be true for him.

There is also the incredibly joy that becoming a family has brought to us. Its hard to feel anything but positive when you feel so blessed. We have a beautiful, healthy baby girl, an amazing house that we love, a patient dog who has taken incredibly well to a severe lessening of attention, and supportive families that are willing to help in any way possible. Add in that Lola is generally a calm and content baby and there really isn't much to be upset about!

I know it was incredibly pessimistic of me but I really thought that having a baby would likely turn me into an emotional wreck. I thought that I'd really have to be careful to not take it out on the people I love, especially Sean. But that really has not been the case at all. There was a moment the other day when Sean and I were in the car with Lola and Charlie. The sun was setting and the sky was a beautiful pink colour and on the radio a great song was playing and it suddenly hit me - this might be the happiest I have ever felt. 

I know that life is only going to get more challenging from here - Sean starts working out of the house as of Monday (and starts working 12 hour days, 6 days a week), Lola is getting increasingly more fussy and awake, and I only have 11 more weeks at home myself - but having had this positive start makes me aware of what is possible for us. 

And with this cute face, Lola is the best reminder of why we should always be the best versions of ourseleves, both individually and together. 

PS All these amazing pictures are courtesy of Vanessa. She also took a ton of extremely adorable ones of little Lola, which I'll post next :)