Nonno (aka the Ray in Lola Ray)

A year ago today, I was eating dinner when the phone rang. I didn't get to it in time and saw that I had just missed a call from Adrien. Then my cell phone rang. By the time I got to that phone, I again had missed Adrien's call. When he again called the landline, I suddenly had a feeling that this wasn't just an average call. I distinctly remember pressing "pause" on the remote and taking a deep breath as I braced myself for whatever I was about to be told. Despite that premonition, it took me a good minute before I could fully understand the shocking news that Nonno had suddenly passed away. 

I love this picture - how lucky am I to have had all 4 of my grandparents for 29 years of my life...

It feels almost silly to say he suddenly passed away and that we were shocked given that Nonno was 89 years old, but thats what it was: sudden and shocking. In my mind, despite his health problems and increasing mobility issues, Nonno was a permanent fixture in our family. He would somehow always be there. 

Nonno cuts his 89th birthday cake

 It took me a long time to stop feeling incredibly sad about losing Nonno and I think that was true for much of our family too. There was also a lot of other sadness occurring at the same time - Uncle Rich had received a terminal diagnosis and passed away several months later and in January we said goodbye to Oscar, our family dog of 17 years. It seemed like for awhile there was always something bringing us to tears.

So, when I found out I was pregnant in February, I hoped it signaled the beginning of the end of such a terribly sad period in our family. Then, I found out that I was due September 30th - only one day after what would have been Nonna and Nonno's 62nd anniversary and almost exactly a year after Nonno's passing. It made me want to incorporate Nonno's name somehow for our baby to be. When we found out we were having a girl, I still couldn't let go of that feeling. 

Almost all of Nonna and Nonno's grandchildren (we were just missing Adrien) celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary: September, 2012

Once we started thinking about the name Lola, it all fell into place. With such a girly first name, a boyish middle name would be such a nice balance. I floated the idea with Sean, nervous that he would veto it (we had a lot of trouble agreeing on names!) but to my surprise he agreed almost right away...with one stipulation - it had to be spelt R-a-y and not R-a-e, the more feminine version. He argued that if we wanted to honour Nonno with her middle name, it should be the way he spelt it. And so it was.

I always loved this picture.  I just loved watching Sean and Nonno together. 

The last time I saw Nonno was in August last year to celebrate his 89th birthday. We were off to South Africa the next week and then I was moving back to Ontario so it felt like the end of an era. But I also had a weird feeling that it could be the last time I saw Nonno. Sean suggested I take a picture with Nonna and Nonno, something we never really thought to do when we got together but for some reason we did this time. It was a great day at Uncle Rob and Aunt Gina's. The boys BBQd in the rain and we all sat and ate for hours. Everyone was in such great moods and I remember we laughed SO hard at so many different things. If I had to choose a last time I spent with Nonno, I guess thats pretty close to how I would have wanted it.

My last time with Nonno

I'm pretty sad that Nonno will never get to meet Lola and that Lola will never get to know Nonno. I'll have to tell her all about him. When she's older and drinking wine with the family, I'll tell her she better consider herself lucky that Nonno isn't there to count how many glasses she's had and give her a lecture if she exceeds more than two in any one holiday. And if she ends up being an eater like the rest of us, I'll let her know that her biz Nonno would have told her to be careful before she turns into "a square" (that is as wide as she is tall). And Lola's grandparents beware, I'm totally going to tell her about the hundred dollar bill Nonno would slip me (through his associate, Nonna) every single time I saw him, or his grandfather tax if you will. He cut almost everyone else off at one point or another but Nonno kept the gravy train going when it came to me. It was most likely because I was still in school but I like to think it was something else ;)

I know Nonno would have loved Lola and probably would have saw himself in her as she grew older. I know he always saw parts of himself in me as he would often tell me just that. I loved that. I think it made Nonno feel as if he knew me in ways others in our family didn't and it gave us something special to share. 

Nonno meeting his first great grandchild, Zac.

 I love that Nonno wanted to take his glasses off so we could take the best possible picture :)

Because we live far away now and because we didn't see Nonno as frequently as we would see our other family anyway, I sometimes can make myself believe that he is still with us, and its just that I haven't gotten to see him in awhile. That definitely helps. But as time goes by it gets a little easier to face the truth. Our family is different now. We had the most amazing run as a family of 14 (give or take a few with our generation pairing off and what not) and I'll always be grateful for those memories. But with Zac getting older, Lola in the mix now, and another Selim baby on the way in February, our family is changing again. And although I hate change and wish more than anything that Nonno was still with us, we certainly have a lot to look forward to. With this new generation started, I'm excited to see where our family goes next. 

I hope Nonno is looking down from above, mixing a martini with his pinkie while eating all the desserts his heart desires and enjoying every second of watching his family grow, expand, and take new form...