Just wanted to drop in quick to say that Sean and I are off once again, this time to the Southwest for what we have been calling The AMERICA's NATURAL WONDERS TOUR (all caps necessary - also necessary to emphasize each word with a hand movement that suggests you're placing each one on some sort of billboard). Tomorrow we fly to El Paso, TX where we will stay for approximately enough time to rent a car and get the hell outta there. First stop is White Sands, NM where I will marvel at the amazing landscape while sulking that sandboarding is out of the question.
I may blog from the road but as I'm not bringing my computer they'll likely be pictureless posts, unfortunately. However, spending hours looking out of windows while marveling at amazing earthscapes may put me in the mood for some reflective writing so if there is time, I'll definitely make this blog a priority. But who knows how things will go. I'm thinking that hours of driving combined with hiking and long walks in the desert sun may make me a wee bit exhausted and in that case, I'll be back here with lots of updates next week (likely Thursday or Friday).
Until then, hope everyone is wonderful wherever you may be in the world!
xo natalie
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Friday, May 23, 2014
Grad!
As most of you are aware, Wednesday was my long awaited graduation from Pace. I thought it wouldn't really feel that important because really, we don't get our degrees until we're done with our internships in August...but in the end it did feel pretty great. It was just so nice to celebrate with everyone. And realizing that that goal we thought about for 5 long years - to be fully functioning psychologists - had finally come to fruition. At the same time that it feels like a million years ago that I stepped into my first ever session as a therapist, it also feels like the time past in seconds. Except when I think about what I knew then compared to what I know now. Its so amazing to look back on how much we've learnt and how much we've grown as psychologists. I feel incredibly lucky to be in this profession. It definitely has its highs and its lows but at the end of the day, I can't picture myself as anything else. And I feel completely fulfilled in this career. That's not something everyone gets to say and I don't take that lightly.
(Here is (most of) the graduating class of 2014 in our department where we spent A LOT of our time)
Anyway before I get too mushy about things, heres some pictures of the big day:
The place was packed! I didn't think I would be nervous but as soon as it was our group's turn to be called up on stage, I must have experienced a wave of panic because suddenly the baby jumped in my stomach and seemingly lodged herself in between some of my vital organs so that I could hardly move. Otherwise, it was pretty uneventful - we mostly took selfies (seen above) and then instagramed and commented on each other's facebook posts throughout the ceremony:
Then we took more pics after while we still had our robes to rock.
And then we headed off to meet the rest of the fam for a fabulous dinner at Blue Fin, to do what we do best: EAT. Normally I would say EAT AND DRINK but baby girl needs a healthy brain so alas, I stuck only to the eating portion (and did so very well).
As always, it was SO wonderful to hang out with the entire family. I'm seriously so lucky to have such a great one. Wherever we are when we sit down to eat together, its always a good time. But theres just something about being in New York all together that makes it even better...
(photo cred goest to my lovely cousin Nicole!)
(You may notice that a few bites were already taken before I could manage to take a pic. Give me a break, I'm pregnant. Stop judging the pregnant lady)
We finished around 11pm and walked back through Times Square to our hotel 10 blocks away, which was perfect as I was in desperate need to walk off some of the feast. It was such a great day and night and I felt so happy. I also loved that I got to experience all of this with the baby too. I was thinking today about how much I love having her around with me all the time. I felt that very strongly during the grad ceremony and again today when I went on a job interview. Especially today, actually. I was hiding the fact that I was pregnant so it was almost like me and her were sharing a secret. As a result, I felt the least anxious I've ever felt while in an interview and I loved that. In my head I was like "Meh, if I don't do well, at least I got you little lady." Inside, she kicked her approval. I realize she might have felt differently about that sentiment if she realized no job for me = no money to support her but hey give me the moment won't you?
In summary, Wednesday night we were out late then took an early morning flight back to Toronto in order for me me to still make it to work in the morning. Then last night I had a terrible sleep as I always do before an interview. So, right now I am incredibly tired and am off to drag myself up the stairs to bed (oh God I just realized I still have to take off my make up from the day, ugh thats going to take so much energy!!). I wish I could function better when tired but I cannot so this pretty lame post is what you shall get as a result. Hopefully sleeping in tomorrow will bring me back to life again :)
Saturday, May 17, 2014
New York Bound
Tomorrow morning Sean and I jet off to our old hometown. Its my graduation on Wednesday but more importantly we are getting 4 entire days of New York to see our New York friends (and NJ family!), do our favourite New York things, and walk around our favourite New York streets. I am beyond excited.
In September when I first started spending time in Toronto, I thought I really loved my new city and was ready to leave New York behind. But the more time that passes, the more I miss my old city. I just don't have a relationship with Toronto the way I did with New York. Its not just that its an incredible city but such a great part of my life was spent there too. Whenever we go back it feels like every single block reminds me of something special, happy, exciting, etc. So many memories.
So it feels incredibly special that again we will all sit down together one May evening to share a meal, this time with our little girl bouncing happily in my belly as she gets her first taste of fine New York dining. I remember looking up at the Brooklyn Bridge on our way back home in 2009 and saying to Sean, "life is so great right now" and wondering if it could ever feel sweeter than that. I am very happy to find that almost exactly five years later, life is still just as sweet, if not sweeter :)
However, not being a New Yorker anymore means I'm now a tourist. And being a tourist in New York means being outraged by how expensive everything is. Thus, I am not certain that I will have wifi access while we are there (if drinks are $15 each - and thank God as a couple we're only drinking for one these days - we can't afford the daily wifi charge too!), which means I may be going dark on this blog until Thursday. At that point, expect to be inundated with millions of picture celebrating my lost love, my beautiful old friends, New York.
Happy long weekend!
(Top of the Rock)
In September when I first started spending time in Toronto, I thought I really loved my new city and was ready to leave New York behind. But the more time that passes, the more I miss my old city. I just don't have a relationship with Toronto the way I did with New York. Its not just that its an incredible city but such a great part of my life was spent there too. Whenever we go back it feels like every single block reminds me of something special, happy, exciting, etc. So many memories.
(Bottom of the Rock)
Going back for graduation is making me especially nostalgic. Last time I celebrated a graduation in this beautiful city was back in May, 2009. At the time, I knew I was headed to Pace and that most of my NYU credits would be transferred there so I didn't really feel a celebration was justified (it felt more like the beginning of the long haul towards my doctorate) but it was one of the best days/nights of my life nonetheless. Any time our families get to sit down and eat a fabulous meal together, especially if its a New York meal, is an awesome time. And everyone was so excited and happy. Later I would find out that word had spread that Sean was about to propose and everyone was already ready to celebrate that bit of news. I believe Nonna, Karen, mom, and Aunt Corinne shared a group hug in the bathroom all while I unsuspectingly sat smiling, enjoying the giddy atmosphere at our table.
(Pace days in a nutshell: these two and Fulton Street)
So it feels incredibly special that again we will all sit down together one May evening to share a meal, this time with our little girl bouncing happily in my belly as she gets her first taste of fine New York dining. I remember looking up at the Brooklyn Bridge on our way back home in 2009 and saying to Sean, "life is so great right now" and wondering if it could ever feel sweeter than that. I am very happy to find that almost exactly five years later, life is still just as sweet, if not sweeter :)
However, not being a New Yorker anymore means I'm now a tourist. And being a tourist in New York means being outraged by how expensive everything is. Thus, I am not certain that I will have wifi access while we are there (if drinks are $15 each - and thank God as a couple we're only drinking for one these days - we can't afford the daily wifi charge too!), which means I may be going dark on this blog until Thursday. At that point, expect to be inundated with millions of picture celebrating my lost love, my beautiful old friends, New York.
Happy long weekend!
Monday, May 12, 2014
Bump!
Luckily, the more my bump grew, and the more weeks that passed, the less I've felt this way. Especially in the last two weeks when I've felt the little monkey moving around, I've been much more at ease with it all. And with that, came my newfound courage to post these pics. This blog to the rescue again as rather than having to make this public to EVERYONE, I can instead post them exclusively to you lovely readers :)
Here is where we are currently - 20 weeks (well, tomorrow it will be!). Its getting harder to hide under my normal clothes and my pants definitely no longer fit. Like I'm talking don't even fit if I'm using a fabric belly band to cover up that my pant's button is undone and the fly wide open. However, I'm still not giving into maternity pants just yet. Mom and I found some awesome regular people pants with elastic waist bands that I hope to rock all the way into the home stretch. One pair is patterned and another is electric blue. I love them.
But enough about my un-maternity pants, here is where we started: the first bump pictures. This was back 5 weeks ago, at 15 weeks. I've heard that you just wake up one morning and boom! Baby bump! But for me it was more that around 6pm at night I suddenly had a beer belly that would retreat inward overnight only to perk up again the next evening. Even today, if I squint in the morning and don't look too closely in the mirror, I can still pretend no bump exists... that might be a lie. As I typed it I was thinking to myself, "Is that really still true?" I think in the last few days the bump is a permafixture. I'll have to pay more attention tomorrow and report back.
Here is the bump at 17 weeks (and is also depicted above, covered up, in the aerial perspective shot with Charlie boy).
Today was my first time taking pics with my camera instead of my iPhone. I liked it better and think I'll continue to do it that way from here on out. It makes me feel more legit, like I'm really documenting the life of my little girl already whereas taking iPhone selfies feels more like I'm merely deciding what to wear (does anyone else do that? take pictures of what you're wearing so that you can see if it looks the same in pictures as it does in the mirror? Clueless was filled with life lessons).
Also, sorry for the delay in posting these pics to whom I promised them to days ago. Turns out that first-trimester flashback feeling was actually a stomach bug that ripped through the Selim family. I was knocked out from Friday night to Saturday night (though still managed to get to Babies-R-Us despite needing to dry heave in the washroom there, I'm sure they're used to it) and then a busy Mother's Day on Sunday left me quite incapacitated. Headed to bed tonight feeling better than I have in days, which is such a relief.
After all, my new pants wouldn't look quite so good on a sick person.
Friday, May 9, 2014
My Most Favourite Little Dude
I'll be honest. Despite my chosen career as a child psychologist and despite that I am currently in the process of forming a child myself, I'm not exactly the biggest fan of these little creatures. They kind of freak me out, actually. Its just that they can be so LOUD and messy and chaotic and, and, and. They overwhelm me.
However, I started to notice that if I was seeing a kid for therapy or an assessment, I didn't have quite the same reaction (or impulsive look of horror on my face) - I sort of kind of liked these ones. I started to wonder, is it like what everyone says, that you always like your own kids, even if you don't like anyone else's'? I felt emotionally invested in these little people's wellbeing and with that came smiling and feelings of warmth towards them, so maybe I did have it in me to like children after all. At the very least, I had hope.
And then in November, 2012 my nephew Zachary was born and everything changed. From the second I laid eyes on him I knew that this little boy could do absolutely no wrong. He could be pictured with a face full of food residue (a pet peeve of mine) and I'd probably ooohh and ahhh over it and deem it the sweetest picture of all time. He cried for hours straight (much to the distress of his poor, patient parents) and rather than feel annoyed by the noise pollution, I wanted to stay close and make it better any way that I could. And while you can't pay me to get up even 2 minutes before my alarm goes off in the morning, I found myself skipping a shower and waking up 25 minutes early this week just so that I could hold him and hang out with him before heading off to work. I love this kid so unconditionally and without reservation that I now know, deep in my bones, that I'll love his cousin, my daughter, in exactly the same way. And that gets me so so so very excited.
Anyway, I think that's all I have in me for tonight. I was actually going to post some bump pictures (by popular demand, I'm looking at you grandparents-to-be Baileys!) but I've been having a kind of rough pregnancy day, feeling like I felt in those first few months. It may perhaps just be recovery from the massive Italian feasts (PLURAL!) that we had this week a la Nonna Christine:
Truthfully, I can't say I regret a second of it. But, I think its time I hit the reset button and hope that a long night's sleep will get me back to my second trimester self where pregnancy is just enjoyable and exciting. These last 6 weeks or so really have been so lovely and I am so grateful! I'm looking forward to getting back on track tomorrow :)
However, I started to notice that if I was seeing a kid for therapy or an assessment, I didn't have quite the same reaction (or impulsive look of horror on my face) - I sort of kind of liked these ones. I started to wonder, is it like what everyone says, that you always like your own kids, even if you don't like anyone else's'? I felt emotionally invested in these little people's wellbeing and with that came smiling and feelings of warmth towards them, so maybe I did have it in me to like children after all. At the very least, I had hope.
And then in November, 2012 my nephew Zachary was born and everything changed. From the second I laid eyes on him I knew that this little boy could do absolutely no wrong. He could be pictured with a face full of food residue (a pet peeve of mine) and I'd probably ooohh and ahhh over it and deem it the sweetest picture of all time. He cried for hours straight (much to the distress of his poor, patient parents) and rather than feel annoyed by the noise pollution, I wanted to stay close and make it better any way that I could. And while you can't pay me to get up even 2 minutes before my alarm goes off in the morning, I found myself skipping a shower and waking up 25 minutes early this week just so that I could hold him and hang out with him before heading off to work. I love this kid so unconditionally and without reservation that I now know, deep in my bones, that I'll love his cousin, my daughter, in exactly the same way. And that gets me so so so very excited.
I mean, it does help that he is, unequivocally, the cutest little boy the world has ever seen.
It was so nice having him around for two days this week. I could hardly wait to get home at the end of the day and was excited to wake up every morning. And I missed him SO much today! I was already pretty friggin excited about our own baby on the way but my reactions to Zac just heightens that excitement. Of course I worry about what life will be like with no sleep and crazy hormones and what not but I'm also so aware of just how much I will enjoy being a mom to my little girl despite all of this. As Vanessa explained this week, a newborn baby will essentially be ruining your life (to illustrate this point she recalled having to chose between showering and eating in those first few weeks, one or the other, NOT both, no time for that!) but you will love it more than you even knew you were capable of. You will unconditionally love what is ruining your life. I think that's unbelievable beautiful - such a primal, inexplicable, yet universal response. That to me is what its all about.
I also loved seeing how Sean's relationship with Zac has developed over the last 18 months. Now that he's got fatherhood looming on the horizon, he was hanging out with Z more than ever. I can't even tell you what a great feeling it gives me to hear Zac's heartmelting belly laugh, especially when its in response to something Sean is doing. Exhibit A:
Anyway, I think that's all I have in me for tonight. I was actually going to post some bump pictures (by popular demand, I'm looking at you grandparents-to-be Baileys!) but I've been having a kind of rough pregnancy day, feeling like I felt in those first few months. It may perhaps just be recovery from the massive Italian feasts (PLURAL!) that we had this week a la Nonna Christine:
Truthfully, I can't say I regret a second of it. But, I think its time I hit the reset button and hope that a long night's sleep will get me back to my second trimester self where pregnancy is just enjoyable and exciting. These last 6 weeks or so really have been so lovely and I am so grateful! I'm looking forward to getting back on track tomorrow :)
Monday, May 5, 2014
It's a...
I'm kind of fascinated by people's reasons for wanting or not wanting to know the sex of their prospective baby. Its one of my favourite questions that we ask in our assessments with parents of young kids, the reason being that this question along with ones like how the parents chose their child's name can give you some insight into their feelings towards their child even before it was born. I think thats pretty cool, but maybe I'm just a super nerd about this kind of thing.
Anyway, for a long time I just did not get why anyone would NOT want to know. Luckily, Sean was on the same page about that. But then when we were in Kingston a couple of weeks ago visiting our friends Arie & Al and their adorable new little girl, Isla (here is where I would normally insert an awesome picture of the girls - Arie, Isla, ol' roomie Marnie, and I...but I forgot to harass Marnie for a copy, oops), she said not knowing was pretty incredible, actually. Since then, I've heard others corroborate her story, that its an amazing experience to be surprised at the birth, and great motivation during labour. Honestly, I started to waiver a little on my own convictions.
But as soon as that technician lady said sorry no can do, wait until the baby's born to find out, well, that was all I needed to hear before it became an absolute necessity that I know our baby's gender immediately.
Luckily I am blessed with doctors for siblings. Vanessa informed me that there may be an option to get a private ultrasound, we'd just have to shell out some dough to getter' done. By the time it took for us to get from our ultrasound appointment to the front door of my office, we had an appointment booked for the end of the day and a new perspective on an appropriate way to spend $125.
Let me tell you, this ultrasound experience could not have been further from our morning ultrasound. This place was beautiful - like a spa essentially but instead of massages and facials you're offered 3D ultrasounds and a plush bear containing the miraculous sound of your baby's heartbeat. We were asked if we would like to upgrade to the "Bronze Package" (thats how they talk) which included a printed picture of your choosing and 15 additional minutes of screen time with your little one. No thanks, we were there for one reason and one reason only.
We got there a bit early yet were welcomed into the room almost right away. Whats that you say? No 15-20 minute wait amongst people of varying degrees of sickness? We entered a beautiful room equipped with the most comfortable of seating options. I hopped up onto what can only be described as my exam couch which was leather and perfectly curved to maximize both comfort and visibility while Sean settled into his own leather comfy couch right next to me- no waiting at reception for Sean this time. The technician, who was lovely, put on some spa-like music and informed us that we could choose to watch the baby on any of three screens around the room - one being a big flat screen TV mounted on the wall. She then interrupted the sounds of serenity to let us hear a different sort of sweet music: the baby's heartbeat. Then she got to work.
The nice spa/technician lady started pointing out to us various parts of the baby but we were pretty clear that she should just get on with it. "We had an ultrasound this morning," I explained, making us look like crazy people. She happily obliged us (again, the lovely world of private services). It probably took her no more than 5 minutes before she excitedly exclaimed, "Oh, it's a girl!!"
Now as you know, I'm not much of a crier. In a family of Irish folk, I'm like a cold stone amongst a river of tears. But when I heard those words, a giant sob made me unable to say anything at all for quite awhile. For several weeks now Sean and I have both been under the impression that this baby was a girl. Perhaps we were being influenced by so many other people in our lives who predicted this too: my parents, Aunt Renee, Nonna, etc. and I think thats maybe what made it that much more emotional for me. I just kept nodding my head, thinking I knew it. It just confirmed that I already know this baby, I already have such a deep connection to her that to hear that it was a boy instead would have just been wrong. And then I kept thinking that's my daughter. Not 'theres the baby' or 'look how cute IT is' but that's my daughter.
I've had a pretty charmed and spectacular life in my 30 years but this moment might have been one of the greatest I've ever experienced. I feel like in that moment, everything changed for me. I could actually picture our little girl.
Ever since then, I have reveled in using pronouns like she and her. I love every single thing about uttering those words.
I can tell you with certainty, this experience was worth every penny.
Though I do worry, given that the first outfit ever bought for her was designer (a Stella McCartney sleeper, thanks mom!) and our biggest expense for this pregnancy this far was this ultrasound...is this a sign of things to come?!
Ah well, she's worth it.
Anyway, for a long time I just did not get why anyone would NOT want to know. Luckily, Sean was on the same page about that. But then when we were in Kingston a couple of weeks ago visiting our friends Arie & Al and their adorable new little girl, Isla (here is where I would normally insert an awesome picture of the girls - Arie, Isla, ol' roomie Marnie, and I...but I forgot to harass Marnie for a copy, oops), she said not knowing was pretty incredible, actually. Since then, I've heard others corroborate her story, that its an amazing experience to be surprised at the birth, and great motivation during labour. Honestly, I started to waiver a little on my own convictions.
But as soon as that technician lady said sorry no can do, wait until the baby's born to find out, well, that was all I needed to hear before it became an absolute necessity that I know our baby's gender immediately.
Luckily I am blessed with doctors for siblings. Vanessa informed me that there may be an option to get a private ultrasound, we'd just have to shell out some dough to getter' done. By the time it took for us to get from our ultrasound appointment to the front door of my office, we had an appointment booked for the end of the day and a new perspective on an appropriate way to spend $125.
Let me tell you, this ultrasound experience could not have been further from our morning ultrasound. This place was beautiful - like a spa essentially but instead of massages and facials you're offered 3D ultrasounds and a plush bear containing the miraculous sound of your baby's heartbeat. We were asked if we would like to upgrade to the "Bronze Package" (thats how they talk) which included a printed picture of your choosing and 15 additional minutes of screen time with your little one. No thanks, we were there for one reason and one reason only.
We got there a bit early yet were welcomed into the room almost right away. Whats that you say? No 15-20 minute wait amongst people of varying degrees of sickness? We entered a beautiful room equipped with the most comfortable of seating options. I hopped up onto what can only be described as my exam couch which was leather and perfectly curved to maximize both comfort and visibility while Sean settled into his own leather comfy couch right next to me- no waiting at reception for Sean this time. The technician, who was lovely, put on some spa-like music and informed us that we could choose to watch the baby on any of three screens around the room - one being a big flat screen TV mounted on the wall. She then interrupted the sounds of serenity to let us hear a different sort of sweet music: the baby's heartbeat. Then she got to work.
The nice spa/technician lady started pointing out to us various parts of the baby but we were pretty clear that she should just get on with it. "We had an ultrasound this morning," I explained, making us look like crazy people. She happily obliged us (again, the lovely world of private services). It probably took her no more than 5 minutes before she excitedly exclaimed, "Oh, it's a girl!!"
Now as you know, I'm not much of a crier. In a family of Irish folk, I'm like a cold stone amongst a river of tears. But when I heard those words, a giant sob made me unable to say anything at all for quite awhile. For several weeks now Sean and I have both been under the impression that this baby was a girl. Perhaps we were being influenced by so many other people in our lives who predicted this too: my parents, Aunt Renee, Nonna, etc. and I think thats maybe what made it that much more emotional for me. I just kept nodding my head, thinking I knew it. It just confirmed that I already know this baby, I already have such a deep connection to her that to hear that it was a boy instead would have just been wrong. And then I kept thinking that's my daughter. Not 'theres the baby' or 'look how cute IT is' but that's my daughter.
I've had a pretty charmed and spectacular life in my 30 years but this moment might have been one of the greatest I've ever experienced. I feel like in that moment, everything changed for me. I could actually picture our little girl.
Ever since then, I have reveled in using pronouns like she and her. I love every single thing about uttering those words.
I can tell you with certainty, this experience was worth every penny.
Though I do worry, given that the first outfit ever bought for her was designer (a Stella McCartney sleeper, thanks mom!) and our biggest expense for this pregnancy this far was this ultrasound...is this a sign of things to come?!
Ah well, she's worth it.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
"But Most Importantly You Want the Baby to Be Healthy, Right?"
I should preface this post by saying that I had a pretty restless sleep the night before our second trimester ultrasound this week. Every time I get close to a doctors appointment where we'll hear the heartbeat or an ultrasound where we'll see how the baby's developing, I get so incredibly nervous. I try not to imagine all that could go wrong, but my mind just seems to go there on its own. So with these terrible thoughts swimming in my head and a mysterious pain that had developed in my side, we headed into our appointment...
Annoyingly, yet not unexpectedly, Sean was told he had to wait in the waiting room so that the technician could take measurements and do her job and what not, seemingly without the annoying incessant questioning of the anxious husband. At least this is what I suspect is the reason (evidence for this: last time, the technician allowed Sean into the room relatively quickly but only after telling him, "You can come in but you can't say or ask anything while you're there"). I sort of get it but at the same time I find this to be fascinatingly weird and somewhat terrible. If God forbid that baby doesn't appear on the screen or something else terrible is immediately seen - I would want Sean there. The only thing that I can think of that would be worse than experiencing that moment, is experiencing it alone. Also I know its in ME, but its half HIM too - doesn't that count for something?
So there I am, lying down for 45 minutes with not much to do but wait and interpret every click of the keyboard and sniffle from the technician as vital clues to what she is seeing on that screen that she is so selfishly hogging. I read and reread the only sign on the wall: The technician is not able to give you results of the ultrasound. Great. My co-intern at work who I have been lucky enough to go through this process with (she's about a week or two ahead of me in her own pregnancy) said later that day that she finally asked her technician something to the effect of "Do you even see a live baby in there?" I understand that if something were to be wrong, a doctor would be the appropriate person to inform me of this so that they could fully address all of my questions and concerns but this logical reason does not feel fair at all when your baby is being viewed by someone else and you aren't getting a lick of info about whats being seen. I felt overcome with a parental protectiveness and just wanted to scream, "Hey lady, thats my kid in there, let me in on whats up!"
That being said, my technician did nod when I asked if everything looked okay and also I think gave a slight nod when I asked if the baby's brain was 1. viewable and 2. looking good. And she did sometimes say things like "The baby keeps avoiding the wand, thats why I had to move so quickly just now" which sounds like nothing, but was actually a huge relief. And then when she finally let Sean in, she did give up quite a bit of information.
She explained to us that the baby was hanging out facing my back (it later turned over to the above position, facing my stomach), and showed us the baby's stomach, kidneys, and bladder. She also pointed out the strong baby bones developing in there, like the spine which was INCREDIBLE, and its long leg bones (both of which can be spotted in the above picture). She noticed we reacted to the baby's mouth moving and explained that it was making sucking motions, and even mimicked what that might look like (I'll give her extra points for that). Oh man I could have watched that baby moving around forever.
And then it was showtime - or so we thought. Boy or girl?? Tell us lady!!! She zeroed in on the area of interest and pointed out its bum and the thick umbilical cord tightly wedged between its legs. She spent a great deal of time showing us the artery and veins of the cord while both Sean and I nodded politely but mutually were thinking thats nice, but get on with it. She then started packing up her equipment, wiping the ultrasound goo off my belly, and confirming that we wanted a picture printed. Ummm didn't we miss something?
"Oh, I couldn't tell what the sex was" - technician
"You couldn't look for a few more minutes? Maybe Natalie could stand up for a second so the baby moves again like the last time" - Sean
"No you've already been here an hour, times up." - evil technician
Sean and I's crestfallen faces must have been easily noticed because immediately after she said, "I saw a lot of good things today, that should be more important than knowing the sex. You have a healthy baby, you should be happy."
And here is where I get angry (not to mention how much my anger exponentially grew when she then followed this thought up with, "You'll find out eventually, if you don't get another ultrasounds you'll find out when its born" and "Its your first baby, maybe when you have a second you'll get to find out ahead of time then" and "Its probably too soon to tell anyway" which was the worst thing to say cuz thats just a flat out lie...but I digress). Why is this "healthy baby" thing such a thing? I can't tell you how many times in a week someone reminds me that I should wish for a health baby. Especially in relation to questions about finding out the baby's gender. Someone will ask me, "Do you want a boy or a girl" and we'll discuss the merits of both genders until suddenly the asker will spontaneously state, "but more than anything you should want the baby to be healthy." Weren't we just talking about how girls turn into teenagers who hate you more than boys would but boys might end up with a terrible wife who keeps your grandchildren away from you? Where in this hypothetical, fantastical conversation did I give you the impression that I would sacrifice the health of my baby to obtain a baby with my gender of choice?? And wasn't it YOU that asked in the first place?
If there is one constant in this pregnancy thus far its that not an hour goes by where I haven't had a worry about the wellbeing of my baby cross my mind. I'm definitely an anxious person in general but I do feel that this must be somewhat a normal part of the process. Why, then, do we need others to constantly be reminding us that we should hope for a healthy baby?? Of course we want a healthy baby! Who in their right mind goes around hoping for anything other than this?? I find myself insulted every time its said to me. That my be ridiculous, I know, but I can't help it.
Anyway, the point of this whole long rant is that I beg you to think twice before you utter any words to a pregnant lady about her hopes for the health of her baby. I don't see how its in any way an appropriate thing to say. Of course she is going to agree that she wants a health baby OR if in the case where she is aware of a health issue with the baby, its just going to bring all of that up for her, which is by far worse. There are a million more standard phrases and questions that you get asked as soon as you are pregnant, lets stick to those.
I will happily answer your routine questions all day long, and will do so enthusiastically, despite how many times I have already talked about if it feels like there is an alien inside of me or if I'm worried about never sleeping again. In fact, I do so with pride - its been so incredibly exciting to be on this other side! But please, lets go ahead and assume that the health and wellbeing of my child is always what I'm hoping and praying for. You don't need to check in with me on that.
I wonder if I'll be less touchy about this now that the baby is kicking up a storm in my belly. Theres something about physically feeling it that has put me at more ease this week than ever before. Perhaps its these little movements, that make me absolutely glow with pride, that I'll focus on the next time someone asks me THAT question. Yes, I think that will definitely do the trick.
xo natalie
PS - You might be thinking to yourself, so what, they're going to leave it at that and not find out the sex? Um, does it really sound like me to be told "wait and see" and be totally fine with that? I don't think so. I'll post tomorrow about our mission to have our baby reveal itself and the very exciting results ;)
Annoyingly, yet not unexpectedly, Sean was told he had to wait in the waiting room so that the technician could take measurements and do her job and what not, seemingly without the annoying incessant questioning of the anxious husband. At least this is what I suspect is the reason (evidence for this: last time, the technician allowed Sean into the room relatively quickly but only after telling him, "You can come in but you can't say or ask anything while you're there"). I sort of get it but at the same time I find this to be fascinatingly weird and somewhat terrible. If God forbid that baby doesn't appear on the screen or something else terrible is immediately seen - I would want Sean there. The only thing that I can think of that would be worse than experiencing that moment, is experiencing it alone. Also I know its in ME, but its half HIM too - doesn't that count for something?
So there I am, lying down for 45 minutes with not much to do but wait and interpret every click of the keyboard and sniffle from the technician as vital clues to what she is seeing on that screen that she is so selfishly hogging. I read and reread the only sign on the wall: The technician is not able to give you results of the ultrasound. Great. My co-intern at work who I have been lucky enough to go through this process with (she's about a week or two ahead of me in her own pregnancy) said later that day that she finally asked her technician something to the effect of "Do you even see a live baby in there?" I understand that if something were to be wrong, a doctor would be the appropriate person to inform me of this so that they could fully address all of my questions and concerns but this logical reason does not feel fair at all when your baby is being viewed by someone else and you aren't getting a lick of info about whats being seen. I felt overcome with a parental protectiveness and just wanted to scream, "Hey lady, thats my kid in there, let me in on whats up!"
That being said, my technician did nod when I asked if everything looked okay and also I think gave a slight nod when I asked if the baby's brain was 1. viewable and 2. looking good. And she did sometimes say things like "The baby keeps avoiding the wand, thats why I had to move so quickly just now" which sounds like nothing, but was actually a huge relief. And then when she finally let Sean in, she did give up quite a bit of information.
Behold - our little bean!
She explained to us that the baby was hanging out facing my back (it later turned over to the above position, facing my stomach), and showed us the baby's stomach, kidneys, and bladder. She also pointed out the strong baby bones developing in there, like the spine which was INCREDIBLE, and its long leg bones (both of which can be spotted in the above picture). She noticed we reacted to the baby's mouth moving and explained that it was making sucking motions, and even mimicked what that might look like (I'll give her extra points for that). Oh man I could have watched that baby moving around forever.
And then it was showtime - or so we thought. Boy or girl?? Tell us lady!!! She zeroed in on the area of interest and pointed out its bum and the thick umbilical cord tightly wedged between its legs. She spent a great deal of time showing us the artery and veins of the cord while both Sean and I nodded politely but mutually were thinking thats nice, but get on with it. She then started packing up her equipment, wiping the ultrasound goo off my belly, and confirming that we wanted a picture printed. Ummm didn't we miss something?
"Oh, I couldn't tell what the sex was" - technician
"You couldn't look for a few more minutes? Maybe Natalie could stand up for a second so the baby moves again like the last time" - Sean
"No you've already been here an hour, times up." - evil technician
Sean and I's crestfallen faces must have been easily noticed because immediately after she said, "I saw a lot of good things today, that should be more important than knowing the sex. You have a healthy baby, you should be happy."
And here is where I get angry (not to mention how much my anger exponentially grew when she then followed this thought up with, "You'll find out eventually, if you don't get another ultrasounds you'll find out when its born" and "Its your first baby, maybe when you have a second you'll get to find out ahead of time then" and "Its probably too soon to tell anyway" which was the worst thing to say cuz thats just a flat out lie...but I digress). Why is this "healthy baby" thing such a thing? I can't tell you how many times in a week someone reminds me that I should wish for a health baby. Especially in relation to questions about finding out the baby's gender. Someone will ask me, "Do you want a boy or a girl" and we'll discuss the merits of both genders until suddenly the asker will spontaneously state, "but more than anything you should want the baby to be healthy." Weren't we just talking about how girls turn into teenagers who hate you more than boys would but boys might end up with a terrible wife who keeps your grandchildren away from you? Where in this hypothetical, fantastical conversation did I give you the impression that I would sacrifice the health of my baby to obtain a baby with my gender of choice?? And wasn't it YOU that asked in the first place?
If there is one constant in this pregnancy thus far its that not an hour goes by where I haven't had a worry about the wellbeing of my baby cross my mind. I'm definitely an anxious person in general but I do feel that this must be somewhat a normal part of the process. Why, then, do we need others to constantly be reminding us that we should hope for a healthy baby?? Of course we want a healthy baby! Who in their right mind goes around hoping for anything other than this?? I find myself insulted every time its said to me. That my be ridiculous, I know, but I can't help it.
Anyway, the point of this whole long rant is that I beg you to think twice before you utter any words to a pregnant lady about her hopes for the health of her baby. I don't see how its in any way an appropriate thing to say. Of course she is going to agree that she wants a health baby OR if in the case where she is aware of a health issue with the baby, its just going to bring all of that up for her, which is by far worse. There are a million more standard phrases and questions that you get asked as soon as you are pregnant, lets stick to those.
I will happily answer your routine questions all day long, and will do so enthusiastically, despite how many times I have already talked about if it feels like there is an alien inside of me or if I'm worried about never sleeping again. In fact, I do so with pride - its been so incredibly exciting to be on this other side! But please, lets go ahead and assume that the health and wellbeing of my child is always what I'm hoping and praying for. You don't need to check in with me on that.
I wonder if I'll be less touchy about this now that the baby is kicking up a storm in my belly. Theres something about physically feeling it that has put me at more ease this week than ever before. Perhaps its these little movements, that make me absolutely glow with pride, that I'll focus on the next time someone asks me THAT question. Yes, I think that will definitely do the trick.
xo natalie
PS - You might be thinking to yourself, so what, they're going to leave it at that and not find out the sex? Um, does it really sound like me to be told "wait and see" and be totally fine with that? I don't think so. I'll post tomorrow about our mission to have our baby reveal itself and the very exciting results ;)
A Disclaimer
After nearly every appointment, advancement, or photo op in the last three months there has been a sense of panic after - who did I already send this text to? Who needs to be informed of what? Who did I send something to that really doesn't care...? Our little one has already developed quite the following, which is so exciting and awesome and makes us feel incredibly special and loved on behalf of our popular little bean. But its also become quite the task to keep everyone in the loop in a timely fashion. So what is a pregnant girl to do?
The answer soon became obvious: get blogging.
I primarily created this as a way to keep you all updated on all things baby Bailey but I figured I'd likely be unable to stop myself there. So, I'm thinking this will be a place to get all the goods on the baby but it will also serve as a place for me to document this crazy process. There is so much weird, interesting, thought-provoking, anxiety-inducing, happy, exciting, confusing, incredible things that have happened to us since we saw those two little pink lines appear not so long ago and I suddenly have an intense need to remember it all. Also I take a ton of pictures and typically do nothing with them, thus perhaps I will dump them here too cuz, well, why not.
So, come on by to catch up on the latest (ultrasound pics, news from the doctors, any new developments, etc) or to humour me by reading what I'm sure will be nonesensicle, stream of conscious writing - whatever works for you. If you stick with it for the next 5 months, you shall be rewarded with a shower of baby pictures, which I imagine will be numbering in quantities higher than you might have thought humanly possible (must learn to curb this habit now!!).
DISCLAIMER: I am terrible with computers and this crazy thing they call the interweb so bare with me. Hopefully I'll get into the groove eventually... until then, please mind the possible layout difficulties, less than attractive look, and general disorganization.
xo natalie (with baby B sending love too, in the form of kicks from within)
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