~ Four Months ~

Yesterday, Lola turned 4 months old! 

With every week that passes I keep thinking to myself, this is the best age. This month that has been especially true as Lola has become so engaged with the world. She's related, she's aware, and she'd developing so quickly in both those areas.

I remember thinking when she first started smiling how nice it would be when her smiles were even more social than they were already becoming. When she first started doing it, it was definitely connected to looking at someone or being pleased in some way (i.e. not just a reflexive gas smile) but it was very hard to coax a smile out of her. It was like an elusive event that came and went at random times. But now, oh boy has that changed. Lola loves when we make faces at her, when we make funny noises, when we talk using her words. Her entire face lights up. Its so incredible. Right now shes still silent when she smiles like that. Sometimes she will squeal in delight and sometimes she will babble before and after her smile but she still has yet to giggle or truly laugh. Ahhh I can't wait for that to happen!!

Lola has also become so much more sturdy this past month. Her back strength has increased by leaps and bounds and shes much less of a bobble head with each passing day. Now she prefers to be carried in a way that allows her to hold herself upright, sort of like she's sitting rather than being cradled. And when we put her on her stomach oh boy can she lift that head of hers! Great news because now she has  enough muscle strength to hang out in her bumbo chair. ...Although she kind of hates it.

      

                          

Another bit of news- Lola rolled over for the first time! Full disclosure, I have been totally and completely negligent when it comes to tummy time. I think I had done it a total of 3 times since she was born...well, that did not seem to impact our little Lola one bit. The third time I remembered to do it - about two weeks ago - Lola immediately turned right over on to her back! Next stop crawling (right Sean?). 

A great thing about Lola now being 4 months is that she is becoming increasingly more independent. She loves her playmat and will gladly lay there on her own, kicking her legs and babbling away to the toys around her. She loves when we get down on her level and play with her too but now when I need to do some cooking or anything else that requires two hands, its almost doable! Everyday life has certainly become much more manageable lately. 

Thankfully, amazingly, Lola is still doing great on the sleep front. This month she has started to go to bed earlier, between 7 and 7:30pm. We have also started initiating her bedtime routine on our own schedule rather than waiting for her to start crying signaling it was time to get moving. For the vast majority of this month, shes done very little complaining when we put her in her bassinet - she tends to just roll onto her side, stick her hand in her mouth, and thats that. In the last week and a half or so she's been having a bit more trouble but nothing popping her binky in her mouth can't solve.

Oh thats the other thing thats new - Lola takes a binky. Actually more accurately I should say: Lola loves her binky. I sometimes worry that she's going to become too dependent on it but with all teething pains she's been having lately, its sometimes all she wants. And I suppose if the constant sucking is helping ease the pressure and pain of her swollen gums, then its worth it. I was really, really trying not to have her use it at nighttime and especially not at bedtime but... Well, first, she woke up a few times in the middle of the night. I didn't get the feeling she was growing through a growth spurt and since she's shown that she can make it through the night without feeding, I didn't think a meal was necessary (nor did I want to start getting into the habit of that again!). And smell-wise, she didn't seem to need a diaper change. All I could think of that could be wrong was that she was uncomfortable. So, I upped the heat, mover her bassinet farther from the window, and just in case stuck the binky in her mouth. Worked like a charm. Within 15minutes she was back asleep. And then a handful of times Lola was having trouble settling off to sleep and was desperately trying to stick her hands in her mouth but it just didn't seem to be working as effectively as she likes. It also was happening after particularly bad teething days where drool and red cheeks were the story. So, again, I gave in and stuck in binky. The first two times I've popped it back out again as soon as drifts off to sleep. The last time, I wasn't so on top of it. 

And then last night Lola was up at 3:30am. It started with her just chatting to herself but slowly turned into crying. Nothing really appeared to be wrong and I was really looking forward to a Saturday night snooze...so binky to the rescue. It worked again. The thing is, about 5mins later it fell out, Lola cried, and I re-popped in. This time success. What I worry about though is that she won't always be right next to our bed where I can do this without even opening my eyes and I really don't want to be getting up several times a night to re-insert a rogue binky... And then I think oh who cares it will get sorted out when it needs to. We've been really go with the flow throughout these last 4 months and its served us so well so why change that now? At least this is what I plan to keep telling myself and hopefully it will become reality! 

So yeah, Lola is still in our room with us. Before she was born I totally thought she could start in her crib in her own room and it would be nooooo problem for me. Now? Forget it, I can't even think about her moving to her nursery full time it makes me so sad and so nervous. The thing is, the more aware of her surroundings that she gets, the more she realizes how big the crib is and the less she's able to sleep in it. Lola has been having some difficulties with naps lately and you can see her preference is for small spaces. I'm not looking forward to the transition at all!

But there I go again catastrophizing and ruining a perfectly positive post on Lola's latest progress. So, I'll stop there and refocus for a quick recap: This month has been the best one yet. We can see how far Lola has come and catch glimpses of where she's about to go next and its all so exciting. Shes now looking like a baby rather than a newborn and her personality is coming through in spades. She remains the very best baby girl around and I love her more than anything in the entire world.

Happy 4 months Lola bean!

The Holidays

I'm BACK! Turns out my computer is still alive and kicking, just required a $40 repair! He's 6 years old and his age is showing but for now he's sticking around. I'm so happy to have my computer back and to get back to blogging once again. So, even though the holidays feel like they were forever ago, here is the post that I started before the sad crash of two weeks ago. Please excuse me while I play catch-up! 

----------------------------------------------------------------

This holiday season was all about firsts: our first with Lola, our first in a home of our own, our first in Oakville. I'm happy to report it was all incredibly amazing.

As soon as we hit December, Sean, Lola and I got ourselves a tree and decorated the house for Christmas. We watched a ton of Christmas movies together, Sean even came home from work one night with a box set of Home Alone DVDs. It was easy to feel festive.

And we had a lot of holiday engagements. First, Lola met the big man in red and took her token crying on Santa's lap picture:

Then we had a Christmas dinner with my best girls from high school and the boys. It was soooo lovely to have everyone gathered around the table laughing about old times and drinking wine into the night. The boys had to put up with our retelling of classic tales that make us laugh until we cry but since we only have the most hilarious stories, I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

 And then on Christmas Eve we had 16 people from our family over for dinner. We ate and drank and played Head's Up, which was a great laugh.

Then on Christmas morning we headed to my parents house in our fancy Christmas outfits and the real festivities began. Well, the real picture-taking began that is.

The fun really only began after we changed into our matching Christmas jammies which we stayed in all day and all night. 

It was so magical, 20 of us sitting in the family room together, getting a home visit from Santa himself.

 

It really didn't seem like it could get any more perfect... and then, out of nowhere, Uncle Rob was standing up in front of everyone making an announcement. He said "This year is special because we are all here in Canada for Christmas for the first time ever but there's also something else that's special about this year..." Suddenly, without even processing what was going on, all of of us turned to John and Nicole and before we knew it, he was down on one knee and we were all bawling our eyes out. 

It was absolutely incredible to share the moment with them and we were all totally blown away. Not only did John pop the question in front of 19 of his future (very loud and obnoxious) family members but he also made a beautiful speech to my beautiful cousin Nicole as he was proposing. It was the sweetest!! Congrats Nicole and John!! Side note: AND THEN Nicole made me cry further when she asked me to be her matron of honor!!! (co-matron of honor that is but its my blog so I can advertise what I want when I want). You can now all refer to me as captain of the Reggio-Hirsch wedding. 

So that was Christmas day...then, the next day to continue the revelry, mom arranged for us to take a "sleigh ride" (/tractor ride due to weather) through the woods. We stopped in Christmas Town where a fire, marshmallow roasting utensils, and hot chocolate were waiting for us. It was seriously magical. Mom you knocked it out of the park. 

At night we ate fabulous dinners around a massive square table that sat all 20 of us. Then we payed pool, listened to music, and drank wine by the barrel. 

It was such an incredible, magical, delightful, lovely Christmas and I loved every second of it. 

Having been home with Lola for the months leading up to the big event, I pretty much witnessed the day to day unfolding of my mom's plotting and planning so I knew it was going to be a great one but didn't realize just how truly awesome it would end up being...Thank you mom for everything you did to make it such a memorable Christmas! And thanks to this beautiful, hilarious, boisterous, ever-expanding family, I love you all so very much :)

Crashed

Well, it doesn't rain but pour.

On Sunday night my faithful computer of 6+ years finally took its last computer breath. Now he is just a white screen of nothing.

I hope to remedy the problem this weekend - probably by paying $90 to confirm that it is indeed an unfixable problem followed by finally purchasing a new laptop - so I hope to be back then.

Sigh, and I was halfway through a Christmas post too!

 Good thing I'm a hoarder and still have most of my pictures from September onwards on my camera...

See you soon!

PS just a quick update: I'm two days in to work and so far so good!

On Monday, It's Back to Work

Well, tomorrow I start work...

Lola will be 3.5months old and this seems to generate a lot of opinions. Less so from friends in the US who's common response is "oh how nice that you got a long maternity leave!" But when I tell anyone here, the common response is "why?"

When a year-long maternity is the norm, it does seem a little strange, I get that. What makes me upset though is when people imply I'm doing Lola a disservice by leaving her at such a young age. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel guilty about this and that its not a big concern of mine. She is so young. But I can't believe what people say to me about it, as if its not going to be the hardest thing in the world for me. Here's a sample conversation from back in November.

Lady Behind Me in the Checkout Line: That is a tiny baby! How old is she?
Me: 10 weeks!
Lady Behind Me: Wow she is so young! I hope you're staying home with her for a long time.
Me in my head: Whats it to you lady? Don't answer her honestly, just smile and nod and this will all be over soon.
Me actually: I'm going back to work in January.
Me in my head: Didn't we just talk about this?? Whyyyyyy did you just say that??
Lady: Oh your husband is staying home instead?
Me in my head: Yes, just say yes.
Me actually: No he works too.
Lady: I guess you must have a really good job then otherwise it wouldn't be worth it. You're going to have a nanny I assume. What's the job?
Me in my head: I hate this woman.
Me actually: I'm a psychologist.
Lady Behind Me who Has No Manners: Oh I suppose you're making good money then. Well it must have to be good enough in order for you to afford that nanny.

Though this was probably the most obnoxious of exchanges, its not the only one of its kind thats for sure. Mostly though people here just ask, "do you really have to go back so soon?" and "can't you ask for more time?" or they try to be helpful by telling me, "I think legally they have to give you more than 3 months!" I even found out that at work they all were assuming that I would indeed be calling and and asking for more time, I think they may have even factored that in or thought of Jan 5th as a starting off point for negotiations. But, alas, it is what it is.

I guess not all of you reading this know why it is that I'm in this situation so I'll quickly recap. It all happened because I thought it would be a good idea to get some experience applying for jobs and putting myself out there. As my internship year was finishing at the end of August, I would be needing a new job at some point and I'm not the best at facing the anxiety that comes with looking for employment. Applying for positions forced me to spruce up my CV, start writing cover letters again, calling and talking to directors of programs and hiring psychologists at private practices, etc. I though that this would then make it easier to do this post-baby when I would undoubtedly be feeling tired and rusty. So when I got an interview at the job I'll be starting on Monday, I thought great, more practice. And then when I got a second interview it was the same. And then I got back from the second interview with a feeling that I might actually land this thing... and suddenly Sean and I were discussing various scenarios - How soon after having the baby would i be ready to go back to work? Is this job a dream job or something I could pass up? Would I regret it if I was offered the job and didn't take it? There were so many questions and it didn't help that at the time we had no idea what Sean's situation would be either.

In the end I was offered the job and when I told them that I was pregnant, they told me they could wait for me until the new year. From that point on I couldn't stop doing the math in my head - for ex: if the baby is born on this day then I will have this amount of weeks with her before I go back. When Lola was born one week early instead of coming later than expected, I breathed a sigh of relief: more time with my baby girl. 

I thought about work A LOT the first few weeks of Lola's life. Even though it was months away at that point, it felt imminent. It was actually a blessing in disguise as it got my ass in gear from day one especially in terms of Lola's sleep habits. I know for sure that if I hadn't had a deadline in mind, I would have been way more relaxed about it. Lola seems to have a natural inclination for sleeping well but had I been more relaxed about it, I could have unknowingly thwarted her efforts. It also made me enjoy my time at home with her more than I might have otherwise. Some days felt long and sad and during those low moments I thought to myself, the end is in sight and on good days I didn't feel guilty about sitting down and watching TV when I managed to find 20mins to myself. And it let me reframe my thinking - with Lola's feeding, instead of feeling like a milk machine as I would have if I knew it would be a year of this, I was able to think of those multiple times per day as a special time that we had to enjoy while we still could.

This last month has been all about preparation. I was so self involved at first. I thought that what would be hard about going back to work would be the exhaustion and me missing Lola so, I decided to attend a workshop (on Attachment, ironically) for the day and left Lola with my mom, thinking this would help me adjust. Well, I was fine (sort of, not really), meanwhile poor Lola had the shock of her life. I had bottle fed her a few times and knew she accepted a bottle and thought that was that, no problem if I randomly leave her for a day with bottles instead of boob. No easing into it, nothing. Lola woke up starving as usual only to find that mommy was gone and here was Nonna with some weird contraption coming at her instead. She did not appreciate it one little bit.

As a result of that day (and in combination with my refresher on infant psychology), I remembered its all about transitions and easing into things and practice practice practice. And so, thats exactly what we've been doing since that day in mid-December. I also eased her into spending time alone with Nanny and PopPop, her caregivers for the month of January. I know I drove my in-laws nuts as I came downstairs to hold Lola for a few minutes every so often but I felt it was important for Lola to know that I hadn't abandoned her. And as I left her alone with them for increasingly longer periods of time, she's gotten increasingly more tolerant of my absence. Yesterday she spent the majority of her time with her grandparents smiling like crazy and chatting away.

This is great news because its taken away the soul crushing feeling I've had since our practice half day with Lola's future nanny. Kayla was here for 4 hours and when she left I cried for 90 minutes straight. And not just a few tears, I was full out sobbing. It felt like somebody had repeatedly punched me in the stomach. I thought it would be easier leaving Lola with family but nope, last week when we did a trial run I found that it was just as hard to hear her cry when left alone with her loving grandparents. It turns out it doesn't matter how much I trust the person caring for her or how much love they have for her, it still felt to me as if I was abandoning my baby girl.

My mom keeps telling me that Lola will be better for me going through with this, stronger and more independent and I see that. In the last few weeks, Lola has been extremely clingy with me to the point where she would cry if anyone else, even Sean, wanted to hold her. And then there was her reaction to parties and get togethers. I'm not the best in social situations where I don't know people all that well and I was finding that Lola was picking up on this. Combined with her insistence on only being with me, it was starting to add up to a mighty antisocial baby. Now, with just half a week of practice of being without me for multiple hours each day, Lola has already improved a great deal. She settles with Sean as she does with me, she doesn't cry all day long with her grandparents, she is soothed by others, she smiles and interacts well even in my absence, and she's learnt to feed consistently from a bottle. Phew! That's a lot of great work for a little baby!

Because of all of this, I'm not as nervous about tomorrow as I thought I would be. I'm almost looking forward to it. I love being a psychologist and I've missed work so I'm excited to use that part of my brain again. And practicing being gone all day has helped me a lot. And I'll still get my mornings with Lola and a couple hours in the evening too...I'm trying to tell myself its quality not quantity. And I know she is in good hands when I'm gone so that helps immensely. Honestly what I'm most anxious about today is the early mornings and the monotony of the grind of a work week - things I would have to face regardless of if I was a mom or not!

So yes, I'm going back to work when Lola is very young and yes I suppose being home with her for longer would have been more ideal. But, I think we've made the best of the situation and I feel positive about it right now. Research shows that its not whether a mother stays at home or goes back to work that positively impacts her infant but rather whether a mother feels fulfilled with her life or not. And I think for me I'll be most fulfilled by being a working mom.

...or at least that's the story I'm telling myself ;)

Wish me luck!