"Working Mom"

I've almost been at work for two months now and I have to say...I really like it.

Of course there are some days where I just want to stay home and cuddle Lola for hours but thats just the thing - if I was staying at home full time, days of cuddles is not at all what would be happening. There'd be diaper changes, crying, nap refusals, groceries, vacuuming, Charlie walking, holding Lola while trying to do any and all of these things, etc etc etc. And to be honest, I get so overwhelmed by that. I found being a stay at home mom to be incredibly challenging. I just always felt as if I wasn't being successful at it. Even yesterday as I was enjoying watching Lola play on her mat, I felt incredibly anxious. I kept thinking, what do we do next? Does this qualify as "doing something?" What do I do if she starts crying?? Questions that I know the answer to only when I'm not overthinking it. And when I'm home more than I'm not at home, I overthink it.

Meanwhile at work I feel productive. I have tasks that for the most part have a clear beginning and end. I feel challenged in a way thats not so personal compared to the challenges faced in motherhood. And having Lola to rush home for has kept me more balanced. I don't let work run my life and I'm way more able to leave work at work rather than bring home my worries. 

All that being said, Lola is on my mind every single second and you can often find me staring at pictures of her or talking about her incessantly. And I'm often thinking in my head, work now so you can stay home with her later. Which makes me wonder if thats the key for me - always having something to work towards. I was happiest staying home with Lola when I knew it wasn't permanent and I'm happiest working when I imagine that one day I'll be at home again. If I keep believing the grass is always greener on the other side and the other side is just a matter of time away, I'm able to keep truckin' along happily.

The other thing is that I am very serious about leaving work as soon as I'm done for the day. No lingering, no small talk on my way out. I rush home so that I can have as much time as possible in my other job. And the fast-pace and multiple tasks that need to get done by 7:30 help give me just enough of a taste of life at home with Lola. When I tally up all that I still do - breastfeeding 4x each day (plus pumping at work), bathing on bath nights, making dinner, cleaning up after dinner, and putting Lola to bed - I feel great and not at all negligent of my role as a mom like I thought I would. And I'm also not completely and utterly exhausted all the time as I feared.

Now of course, I have to say, none of this would be possible if it weren't for Lola being the way she is. My little pumpkin is the best partner in crime. She rarely keeps me up at night, usually lets me get ready for work before stirring, took to breastmilk supplemented with formula like a champ, rolls with the punches, and greets me with huge smiles when I get home, providing me with the motivation needed to push through. Its also incredibly helpful that lately she reliably and readily goes down without a fight every single night leaving me with just enough time for myself. I don't think this adjustment would have been possible if I didn't have from 7:45 on to eat dinner, spend time with Sean, and wind down.

So that's my positive note for today. Perhaps made possible by the fact that its Sunday and Lola is currently napping. Ask me how I feel about my life choices in a few hours when Lola is done with naps yet is cranky, Charlie still hasn't been walked, and the Sunday scarys have hit...well, I may just have a different outlook on things... ha!

Happy Sunday! Here's hoping next weekend gets here before we know it!

7:00

 7:00pm has become one of my favourite parts of my day.

Its when Sean comes home and our nightly routine begins: First, Sean and Lola spend some 1 on 1 time together while he gets her ready for bed. Then, Lola is passed off to me for her bedtime feeding. Sean usually doesn't have time to change out of his suit before changing Lola so while I was feeding her, Sean was getting out of work mode and into home mode. As he popped in and out of the closet, carefully hanging up his suit pants and what not, we would chat about our days by lamplight in hushed whispers, so as to keep the nighttime tone for miss Lola.

On Monday night, we hit a major milestone: Lola started sleeping in her crib overnight. And so, we had to adjust our routine accordingly. Instead of feeding her atop our bed (i.e. next to her bassinet), I'm now using the beautiful, oh-so-comfy rocker in her nursery (i.e. what I probably should have been using all along!), right beside her crib.

On Tuesday night, as Sean handed off Lola, he said "its too bad you guys are in here now, we can't talk while I change." I felt the same way. I had so much to tell him and so much I wanted to hear about on his end too. And I didn't want to have to wait until we were settled over dinner.

...So, Sean went and got some comfy clothes and some hangers and moved the operation to Lola's nursery. And he did the same thing yesterday night and again tonight.

Its such a simple thing and it only lasts for 15 or 20 minutes but I absolutely love it. Weekdays are so busy and hectic and so much seems to always be on the go. In contrast, to have this quiet moment with my little family altogether in one room, it just feels so nice. Its calming and settling and really helps me make the switch from day to night.

I think Lola gets the same feeling out of it to. I barely finish feeding her before her thumb is in her mouth and she's drifting off to sleep. Some nights its hard to put her down, I just want to keep cuddling her. She's extra snuggly when she's so sleepy. And she gets all warm and her breathing gets so heavy and she makes sweet little sighing noises, its heavenly.

It seems that our life with Lola changes week by week, month by month which means our routines change too. It makes me very aware of how fleeting this routine of ours is, how at any moment life can become too busy and take it away, alter it, force us to find a different time and place for our evening catch up. But I'm not going to get too ahead of myself. For now, I'm just going to savour the moments and enjoy every 7:00pm I get.

Gifted Baby

Every time Lola turns another month old, I open up my copy of What To Expect The First Year and read about, well, what we can expect that particular month. Each month has a list of what your baby should be able to do, will probably be able to do, will possibly be able to do, and may even be able to do. Up until now Lola hit most of the should be able tos and a few from each of the other categories. But this month? She hit ALL of the shoulds, ALL of the probablys, and three (out of 8) of the may evens!! That's some serious development!

So then I started looking ahead. What falls into the may even be able to category next month and the month after? I wanted to know what we could start getting excited about and looking forward to. And thats when I stumbled onto a little section of info in the Seventh Month chapter entitled Is My Baby Gifted?

Ha! A gifted baby, the thought made me chuckle. I mean, doesn't everyone think their baby is gifted? But I was curious to see what actually qualified a baby as such. And its actually quite interesting. Here is the list:

1. Uniformly advanced development (ahem, see above note).

2. Good memory and powers of observation - apparently gifted babies notice "when daddy has a new coat" or anything else that differs from their normal experience of things. They give the ever so random example of a baby observing "grandpa wearing a patch on his eye after surgery"...like, what? I should hope a baby has some sort of reaction to grandpa wearing an eye patch, gifted or not!

3. Creativity and originality such as finding a unique way to get to a toy they want or even playing pretend.

4. Sense of humor - "laughing at the incongruities in life, like daddy tripping over the dog and spilling his juice." Well, I don't get the sense that Lola laughs at our misfortunes but boy is she smiley these days:

5. Curiosity and concentration - includes persistence to explore what they are curious about. 

6. Ability to make connections - "sees relationships between things and will apply old knowledge to new situations."

7. Rich Imagination 

8. Difficulty sleeping - apparently gifted babies are too busy thinking, observing, learning, and processing their world to waste time sleeping. ...Never mind I don't want a gifted baby after all.

9. Perceptiveness and sensitivity - could even "try to cheer up a crying sibling."


I think that's all so fascinating. And ever since I read that little bit combined with Kate saying that she really does think Lola is a bright little baby, I've been noticing more and more the things that she does that indicate her engagement with the world around her.

Do I really believe Lola is gifted? No, not really (okay sorta a little I do). What I really believe instead is that everything that Lola does is something to be interested in. Whether its advanced development or a simple bodily function (like a loud, relieving fart) I am equally and immensely proud and love seeing how many new things she adds to her repertoire each day.

Lola has become my own personal case study. My way to marvel at life and revel in the minuscule and minute details of development. I am not the most observant of people but Lola has taught me to stop and look, to see, to study so that I've noticed myself growing more observant by the day.

The gifts just keep on comin' with this kid!

So yes, Lola is my bright star, regardless of whether she is in fact intellectually brighter than any single baby her age. And I'll tell you one thing I know for sure, without a doubt: she is definitely gifted in the cuteness department. Undeniable evidence below:

Snow Day

We're snowed in today and it feels wonderful.

It also feels like the perfect time to catch up on some blogging. There hasn't been much time for very much lately, and unfortunately this little blog has suffered the consequence.

Despite how busy life has been lately, I have really loved being back at work. Yes, its hard to leave Lola and I do wish I had a few more hours each day with her but so far its been manageable. That being said, come Friday I am itching for a full day with her and I'm definitely living for my weekends now. And oh how sweet the weekends are!

It really helps that so far I really like my job. I feel really lucky to have a full-time, permanent position. The fact that there are only 6 of us psychologists and that thats quite a lot of psychologists for one centre makes me even more grateful that I got one of of those positions and its alllllllllll mine for as long as I like. Its so motivating. And when that feeling wares off...well, maybe then it will be time to start thinking about a year long mat leave. Cuz thats why you have more babies, right?

Usually our days go like this: I wake up around 6:30 and get myself ready for the day. Then, I wake Lola up (yup, she's usually still sleeping, thats our girl!) let her stretch for a minute (the cutest thing ever) and change her diaper. Then Lola feeds while I simultaneously pump a bottle for her next feeding. While I get my coffee and my work stuff, Lola usually hangs out on her play mat smiling and squealing as she  grabs her toys. Then I kiss her goodbye (a million times) and off I go.

When I get back from work around 5:15 things get pretty hectic as between feedings and making dinner and often not being able to put Lola down, it feels a bit like being swept up in a tornado. Lola is still cluster feeding in the evenings which exhausts me. Since its what gets her through the night and affords us uninterrupted sleep, its so worth it but sometimes I do get overwhelmed. Theres just so much to get done when I get home and then throw in two feedings before her bedtime routine gets started (which includes another feeding), well you can bet I've been pretty much asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow when all is said and done!

Lola has been adjusting beautifully to all these major life changes. I'm so proud of her, she really is such a resilient, laid-back, incredible little girl. Of course there have been a few minor bumps in the road - for example shes having A LOT of trouble with naps lately - but shes as happy as ever and thats whats most important to me.

It helped sooooooooo much to have Karen and George here for the first three weeks. I don't want to get into it too much because I'll just get too sad detailing what its like to have someone else care for your baby so I'll just leave it at this: no one can make Lola smile quite like her PopPop (its the sweetest smile, like a shy little sly smile) and Karen has been added to the VERY exclusive list of people who can hold Lola without her crying - this in of itself goes to show just how great they were at taking care of our little girl. Oh and did I mention George painted our entire first floor? THE ENTIRE FIRST FLOOR.

Alright I think I'll leave it at that today. Sean just got home, time to spend some rare time all together just the four of us!