3 Months!

Lola is 3 months old today! 

Its hard to believe that she's gone from this:

to this:

Well, actually more like this (as the above picture was taken just after she turned 2 months, below closer to 3 months):

This month has been by far the best month. Lola is getting so much more aware of the world around her and interacting with it more and more. Its incredible to watch and be a part of. Her smiles are so connected now. She'll look right at you, babble a bit, and then smile huge smiles, sometimes even with a little shriek or coo too. 

She'll also now smile and babble to toys. Yes! She's become interested in toys! Our friend Arie sent Lola a set of material Lamaze blocks awhile back and nowadays Lola cannot get enough of them. Which brings me to the next great thing that has happened this month: Lola can now amuse herself. Its amazing. If she's in a good mood (usually the period right after eating), she can be left on her own with her blocks for probably a good 20 minutes before she protests. And when I check on her during that time, my God the smiles she gives! I can't tell you how great it feels to be doing something productive with BOTH my hands while hearing happy baby noises coming from the play pen. Best sounds ever.

My favourite time with Lola lately has been the mornings. After her feeding we hang out and talk to each other (incoherently of course) and then I leave Lola with some toys while I make breakfast and let out Charlie and then we watch Kelly and Michael together and chat some more until Lola starts getting fussy and I know its time to walk her around a little bit so she can fall asleep for her morning nap. Our mornings have gone from a confusing, hectic, sleepy time to a lazy, enjoyable, sweet couple of hours :)

Lola is also developing so much every day. I swear she gets bigger by the hour! Besides her social skills expanding, theres also a million new things that she starts doing every day. Her cheeks are red and shes a drool machine - just a couple of the signs that she is teething. And she is starting to grasp and use her hands in increasingly more sophisticated ways. It is SO exciting to watch all of this happen. And I get beyond proud of her every time I notice something new that she's able to do. 

Also, Lola is continuing to sleep well at night, despite her doctor's statement of "that won't last." She goes through periods where its a battle to get her down and we wonder if it was always this way or if it will ever change and then suddenly she'll go back to easily falling asleep as soon as its time to. We've been changing her sleep routine to suit her changing needs and that has helped so hopefully if we continue to follow her lead, we'll be okay. She's also starting to want to go to bed earlier in the evening. For the past few nights I've been baby free before 9pm! One night even as early as 8:30! Its amazing how much I can accomplish when she's asleep that early. 

There's a million more things that I could say about this month, its been so enjoyable, but I better get moving as the monkey is going to wake up any minute now and besides her to contend with today, we have 16 members of our family coming over for Christmas Eve dinner tonight!!

Merry Christmas!!! 

Growth Spurt

Poor Lola, somewhere between me dragging her across the continental US, her being held by a million different family members and friends, and taking her on three different germ-filled plane rides, she caught her first cold. A quick note about this - I first heard a bit of congestion on Saturday night but she didn't yet have a runny nose or cough. We had her two month doctor visit the following Monday where I explained this. The physician's assistant in training said that she did indeed hear some congestion in her nasal passageway but when the doctor checked he said he didn't hear any at all and that she did not have a cold...I suspected he suspected that I was a bit of a hysterical mother. Well, Monday night came along and boy did the runny nose start! And the cough. And the irritability that comes with being stuffy and trying to get some sleep. So all this to say - mommy always knows best. Even if she didn't go to med school.

Anyway, yesterday morning I woke up at 8:30am to discover that for the first time in a very very very long time, I had woken up on my own and not because of a crying baby. Lola was still fast asleep! I hardly knew what to do with myself! I chalked this up to her cold and we went about our day (feeling very well rested).

Around 8:00pm Lola seemed ready for bed (aka she was wailing inconsolably) so up we went to get her settled. I did everything I normally do but when it came time to put Lola in her bassinet, she was NOT having it. And every time I picked her up again, she acted as if she was starving. I was getting frustrated, to me it seemed that she was irritable from her cold and just trying to use me to soothe herself. I'm all for cuddling my baby girl and soothing her with some rocking and soft talking but I really do not like to be used as a human pacifier. Maybe thats not very motherly of me to say, but its how I feel. I'd probably feel differently if Lola wasn't so great at pacifying herself - she is skilled at using her hands to calm herself down - something we've worked on with her since day one when we noticed her natural inclination to do so. Since she has successful alternate strategies, I'd like to keep my boobs to nourishment only. Especially because (with the exception of her first few weeks of life when she was often too exhausted to stay awake for any long period of time, regardless of what activity she was engaged in) Lola is not one to fall asleep feeding and continue sleeping. If she falls asleep feeding you can bet your bottom dollar that she will be waking up within minutes and she will be pissed that you tricked her into finishing a meal early. All of the combined (mostly that last point) made me highly resistant to wanting to try feeding her again to soothe what I thought was her cold-related discomfort.

But Lola was insistent and so I gave in. And then it happened again. And then again. It was around 9:30pm when Sean came up to see what was going on and found me STILL feeding. I told him my concerns about feeding to soothe and he understood but pointed out that right that second, she seemed to actually be eating, not just comfort feeding. He was right. Lola had changed from suckling to guzzling. It was probably another half hour before she was satisfied enough to go to sleep.

Sean wondered aloud if possibly this was a growth spurt. I doubted it but thought maybe I had remembered something about that happening at 10 weeks so I did something I usually advise myself - and any other new mother - not to do... I googled it. Normally googling things leads to nasty discussion boards where mothers take out all of their ugly mommy frustrations in the worst way (i.e. by being incredibly judgmental and mean to other similarly tired, frustrated, vulnerable mommies). But, this time was very different.

This time, we got confirmation that what we were experiencing was indeed a growth spurt. One mother  wrote "my son slept like a log the night before" - I literally had said those exact words that morning! Another mother wrote "she suddenly looked so much bigger" - not one hour earlier both Sean and I gasped at how large Lola suddenly looked on her change table. Another: "your baby may act like she can't possibly get enough to eat even though she just had a full feeding." In almost every article or discussion board we read, it was nearly word-for-word what we were going through. This was the second time this happened to us - just the day before others wrote online about their experiences with their babies after they got their immunizations. One mother wrote "my baby would be sleeping and then suddenly start screaming" and another wrote about how even when she was feeding her baby, it would suddenly pull away and start crying like she had never heard before. Every word was spot-on.

I think that's kind of amazing - the universality of the experience of parenthood.

I'm sure we would have figured it out eventually on our own but it was so nice to have an explanation and confirmation right in the moment. It allowed me to relax and just go with the flow. I didn't second guess whether what I was doing was right or if it would screw up all the work Lola had done in sleeping through the night. Instead, it made me commit to the work needed. I fed her until she was completely and utterly satisfied and I prepared my bedside table for a sleepless night. And instead of feeling frustrated about being a human cafeteria for 2 hours straight followed by similar feedings in the very early morning, I got to just enjoy the fact that my little girl was growing into a bigger girl.

This morning she again slept like a log until 9:00am then fed like a ravaged feral animal. I thought about three months ago when we still had yet to meet Lola and we worried about her lack of growth. I thought about all of the ultrasounds where I watched the technician consult growth charts with worried expressions. I thought about hearing that she had dropped from the 25th percentile to the 10th percentile in weight. I thought about having to be induced because she wasn't getting big enough in my belly. Then Lola finished feeding and smiled so big, with her whole face. My arm felt sore from supporting the weight of her body for an extended feeding, her 3-month outfit was fitting tightly, and her cheeks were round and full.

It was wonderful.

2 Months

On November 24, Lola turned 2 months old. I started this post then and forgot about it soooo, a few weeks later, here it is:

Two months doesn't seem right, I can't imagine nor remember life without Lola in it - it feels like she's been around for ages! I guess thats what happens when everyday is so different from the one before. 

Motherhood has been so different than what I thought it would be. I thought I would feel tired and irritable all the time and that as a result, I'd get easily frustrated (i.e. what happens to me when I don't get enough sleep). I worried that I'd be impatient with Lola and maybe not enjoy my time with her at first. I guess that's me expecting the worst again. But, I'm happy to say none of that has been true. Every day is such a joy and I find myself often thinking (or telling Sean), "I love being Lola's mom."

 I love it so much. 

I mean, its not hard to feel that way. She has the cutest little face and does the funniest things every single day. She has a great little personality and is still mostly a calm, go with the flow kinda girl. She definitely has a set of lungs on her but for the most part, when she cries loudly and with vigor, its usually for a purpose that we can distinguish (although not always something we can help her with, like when she needs to burp and nothing we've tried has worked). And best of all, she's a great sleeper. I can't stress how much we have appreciated this about her! Even in her early days we could tell Lola liked her sleep which made those nights when we could barely go 2.5hours between her waking much easier to get through. I somehow knew that it would eventually get so much better and I was right. This month Lola started sleeping in 6-7 hour stretches and then for 5 nights she slept through the entire night! Its astounding and incredible and I love her so much for gifting us with that!

Also this month, Lola is smiling more and more each day. Whenever we are having a bit of a stressful or overwhelming day, if Lola smiles at me it totally turns it around. 

I can't get enough of that smile. I often waiver between grabbing my phone to record her adorable silly face and reminding myself to stay in the moment and just enjoy. Honestly, I need to do more of the latter. Yes its nice to have pictures like above but fully being in the moment and enjoying her smile just for what it is - and not using it as an Instagramable moment - is what life is all about. Its funny, it almost feels like if you don't share it with others online, its as if it didn't happen. I'm really going to make an effort to live life with Lola so that I feel less and less like that is true!

I've also learnt a lot about myself these last two months...but as Lola is crying due to not being held so I'll have to save that for another time. Oh yeah, this month we also learned that nothing stops Lola crying like me simply holding her. With both hands of course, none of that lazy one-handed holding will do. I swear this kid of mine hates productivity!

Thankful

This past weekend we celebrated American Thanksgiving. It was a bittersweet one. On the one hand, Lola got to visit Allentown for the first times, she met so many friends and family, it snowed at just the right time making everything feel so festive, and we all laughed a lot and ate a lot.

 But, we were missing a lot of our family this year - Sean had to work, three of our Thanksgiving regulars had to be elsewhere for the first time in years - and it was our first Thanksgiving without Uncle Rich.

Despite all of this, it didn't feel as sad as I thought it would. I mean, it didn't feel the same as years prior but it didn't feel sad, and I was happy for that. Instead, it felt like the last of the hard things to get through and the end of the challenging year we had with so much loss and so much worry. Last year at this time Uncle Rich was so sick, Nonno had just passed away, Oscar the dog was only getting worse, and though we didn't know it at the time, Grandpa was a few weeks away from what would be a four-month touch and go hospital stay. Everything just felt so tinged with sadness and everything felt off.

And Christmas was tough too. With Grandpa in the hospital, mom and dad stayed in Oakville. And even though we all tried our best, Nonno's missing presence was a huge weight on the festivities.

So, to feel positive this Thanksgiving - the start of the holiday season - was a huge relief and I think a great sign of things to come. Having Lola here this year certainly helps too. Its a new time in our families, the start of new traditions, the beginning again.

Lola and I really, really missed Sean and it was so weird not having him around with us. There were certainly no shortage of helping hands though. Whenever I needed a second to myself (or even when I didn't!), Lola always had someone ready and willing to hold her, even if she was crying up a storm! That in and of itself was a vacation for me.

 I felt so relaxed and I got to go about my day in a way quite similar to how I might have had I not had a little baby to contend with. And at the same time I got my special time with Lola when she needed to eat or when I put her to bed. The best of both worlds.

The absolute best moment of our time in Allentown was when four of us (Me, Nanny, Aunt Gail, and Aunt Renee) ALL gave Lola a bath. It was hilarious, four of us crammed into the bathroom with Lola looking at us like what is all this about? At the Bailey's, each room has its own thermostat so we cranked up the heat in the bathroom and it was like a spa in there...well for Lola, the rest of us were sweating as we fussed over the baby and tried to figure out how to best go about this. It was the best.

More to say about the weekend - including some pictures from our time in NJ - but as we are still recovering from our trip, including Lola experiencing the woes of trying to sleep with a cold, we are off to rest our heads.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving weekend (whether you're American or not!)

And special congratulations to Larissa on the birth of her baby girl, Eve, born Thanksgiving morning! xo

Lola Does FL

Hello from Naples, Florida!

 Me and Adrien and the kids

Well, it turns out that we can add "good traveler" to the list of Lola's talents!

I was so nervous about flying with Lola by myself and so early in the morning but she absolutely killed it. It helped that I had a lot of advice from many sources (including a play by play of what to expect from Vanessa who patiently answered my bajilion questions about how to tackle the situation) and that I was in an unusually confident mood that morning. We almost had a meltdown in the line for customs when Lola suddenly woke up and realized that she was no longer in her bed and that she had been gipped of her morning meal. It did not help that looking ahead past customs to security was the longest line ever. But alas, the perks of traveling with bebe - as I was frantically looking for where to enter this seemingly ginormous mass of miserable-looking travelers, I felt a tap on my shoulder. The customs lady pointed to the Wheelchair/Family priority line in front of us and suddenly Lola and I went from staring down the barrel of a 30 minute meltdown to sailing through security with hardly a second of waiting. And THEN Lola got us hooked up again when we got to board only second to the Elite and SuperElite star alliance members! When they called boarding "for those traveling with infants and small children under the age of 6" we were the first ones at the check in counter. I'm never traveling without this kid again! 

Side note: I truly believe they changed the announcement to specify "children under the age of 6" rather than the generic "families traveling with children" because of my dad. We were hovering around the age of 18 and dad would still say "okay lets go!" after the announcement for family boarding. We probably went along with this for far longer than our shame should have allowed for. 

Anyway, I started getting a bit nervous when it got close to take-off time as so many people had told me how much the pressure change bothers baby ears. Everyone advised me to feed Lola during take off and landing so as to prevent the screaming that results from a baby in pain. So just as we started gaining momentum I plucked Lola out of her car seat and started force feeding her. Lola would come up for air and look at me like "wtf mom I'm not even hungry! I JUST had breakfast in the lounge!" and yet I continued to insist that she try to continue eating. Poor thing. I'm surprised she didn't scream as a result of mommy being completely insane. 

And then Lola, sensing the fasten seat belt sign would likely be on for awhile, pooped a smelly smelly poop. The kind you just know is about to be oozing out from all corners of her diaper at any moment. As soon as the light went off I wanted to jump up and make a run for the bathroom but the pilot immediately turned the seat belt sign on again and said that we'd be going through rough turbulence for "awhile" and to remain seated. I think I lasted probably 10 minutes before I finally felt that the risk/reward ratio was in my favour and this pilot may be looking out for our safety but I'm looking out for my seat neighbours not dying of poop smell. Just kidding, I was really looking out for the safety of Lola's outfit. I only had one extra with me and I liked the pink, elephant spotted frilly sleeper she had on better than the alternate outfit in my diaper bag. 

So, Lola experienced (or rather, I survived) her first diaper change in a public washroom. She was then up for about an hour but was mostly quiet as long as I kept moving her around and letting her jump up and down. Then she drifted off to sleep and stayed that way for the remainder of the flight (I did not force feed her for landing, though I did think about it...). That is, of course, until we were waiting for everyone to exit the plane in Florida which is when she started screaming bloody murder. But who can blame her? Aren't we all feeling that way when the clueless family of 8 is slowly and inefficiently collecting their 25 bags from overhead compartments somehow littered throughout the aircraft. In my head Lola was just yelling "hurry the hell up!" like all of us want to do anyway. 

It was all worth it though. It has been so cold at home and we've been feeling trapped in the house lately so it was great to go from that to sunny Florida where we immediately headed to the beach to walk the boardwalk and see what a large body of water was all about. As you can see from these pictures, Lola was not a fan.

I think the boardwalk was more her speed. 

It was also so worth the flight to get to hang out with Zac and for Lola and Zac to get to spend more time together. Zac is sooooo cute when it comes to Lola. He asks to hold her and then laughs his head off at Lola's weird spastic baby reflexes which just makes him holding her all the more adorable. Hes gotten good big brother practice by assisting me when I change her diaper, playing with Lola when she's in her chair, and rocking Lola in her car seat when shes crying.

Zac's all like "uhhh guys is anyone gonna do anything about this crying baby? No? You're all just going to stand there and take pictures then?"

All in all our first trip was a success although we have been missing Sean very much. Sadly he had to stay back home (someone's gotta bring home the bacon) and will be missing out on Thanksgiving this year. We're hoping that making sacrifices now will mean having to make fewer in the future when the kids are older and holidays are all the more meaningful. Still, its been hard to be away from Sean. Mostly because I know how much he is missing us and I feel terrible for that. As a result, I've been sending him more pictures than his phone is able to handle. Including this little gem:

Next up, Lola and I and my mom are off to Newark at 5am this coming morning. We were originally scheduled for the afternoon flight but with the possible Noreaster coming we figured we better try to beat the storm rather than possibly end up spending Thansgiving in the Ft Myers airport. Ahhh I hope waking my sleeping baby up at 3:15am will be worth it! Although...when all is said and done, there are worse places once could be stuck than sunny Florida ;)

Hi Again!

Wow its been so long since I've posted anything and SO much has happened. Its been an incredibly busy life filled with ups (weight gain!) and downs (a lot more crying!), good weeks (Nicole, Nanny, and Aunt Renee visiting) and bad weeks (burnt my hand + caught a cold) but I've been loving every second of this crazy ride. I mean, how could I not when I have THIS face lookin up at me:

Despite how undeniably cute she is, I still miss using both of my hands on a regular basis. There aren't many hours in the day when I find myself both at home and not holding the baby. This makes blogging very challenging (case in point: this post took me THREE days to finish! and I only have iphotos...), as well as most other tasks. Thank God for family - thanks to my cousin Nicole visiting followed by my mother-in-law Karen and our Aunt Renee, I was able to get so much done last week. And it also helps to have Nonna Christine just down the street. On Monday I went over there to use the fax machine...but also so Nonna could hold Lola while I took a shower! Having extra hands is the best :)

So much has happened since I last updated that I'm finding it difficult to even know where to begin...

Every day is so different, every week is a whole 'nother world. Lola is growing like a weed and getting bigger by the minute. Take a look at the photo evidence:

1 week versus 7 weeks

 Lola came home weighing 5lbs, 9oz and as of yesterday was up to 9lbs, 4oz. Amazing, right? I remember Vanessa blogging about Zac growing when he was an infant and how cool it was that it was all due to nourishment from her. I find myself thinking the same thing - how incredible it is that Lola has packed on the pounds and done so well and yet has never had anything but breastmilk. I find it fascinating and I definitely feel proud of both of us.

Also, lots of people like to make me feel really good about it too. Other people think exclusively breastfeeding is fabulous and treat me like a superstar for doing it. While I love this and am totally up for the compliments, I have to be honest: breastfeeding has been the simpler solution for us. In the middle of the night, there isn't formula to measure or bottles to warm, I don't even have to get out from under the covers for the most part! And when we are out, I always have a meal ready for her. This has made dinners at restaurants possible and running errands less stressful. I mean, breastfeeding has its challenges of course, but the convenience of it can't be beat.

I just hope I can keep it up when I go back to work in January. I've started stockpiling milk already but the way this kid eats, I think I'm going to have to have a TON of milk ready for her. Right now I have 9 frozen bags which have taken me about 2 weeks to produce...and if she goes through 2 bags per feeding and feeds at least 2 times per day while I'll only be able to pump at most 2 bags per work day...well, besides being the weirdest math word problem ever, thats not exactly a recipe for success! Not to mention I plan on using some of that liquid gold during the holidays because after almost ONE YEAR without drinking, I think its about time I had more than one glass of wine in one evening!

We'll see how it goes. I think I'm going to go with the flow as much as possible and try not to force something that isn't working, if thats the case. I'll also have to try not to keep going with it just because I'll feel guilty at how expensive my pump was. Seriously, these things are crraaazzyyyy expensive. Google it, you'll be floored.

Anyway, the other thing thats new is that Lola has started smiling! And I'm not just talking a passive smile as she passes gas, I'm talking a whole face smile while she's lookin right at you. Its enough to melt even the coldest of hearts.

The first time she did it was about two weeks ago. Every night we have the same routine (more on that later), I feed Lola, Sean changes her diaper and puts her into pajamas, then he hands her back to me so I can settle her to sleep. Well on this particular night, Sean finished his job while I was still off doing whatever two-handed task I could accomplish in that brief window of time. So, he and Lola hung out together waiting for me. I found them on the bed with Lola looking up at her daddy with wide eyes and riveted interest. She kept reaching her little hands up to him and brushing his beard. Then, all of a sudden, Lola's face broke out into the sweetest, biggest smile any baby has ever had. Her first social smile!! It was absolutely incredible! So incredible that I didn't even mind that it was at Sean and not at me aka the face she sees 98% of the time, the source of all of her food, the changer of the majority of her diapers, and the sacrificer of all alcoholic beverages.

 Since then, Lola has been smiling a lot. Not at me, of course, but at many others. Until this week! On Monday morning, I got so many smiles out of my baby girl, I almost thought I was imagining it. It was magical and if its possible that I could begin to love her even more than I already did, well that certainly did it.

The other thing that's new is that Lola is sleeping like a champ even more than before. During the day she is fussy, mostly refuses to be put down, cries a lot, and is a real handful. But at night...she makes up for it big time.

Before you new moms out there go ahead and throw that evil eye out at us, know that I know we are EXTREMELY lucky and that Lola has made this whole process very easy for us. Let me also preface this by saying that I have been absolutely militant (the only word to describe it) about Lola's sleep. Although I've had mixed feelings about going back to work so quickly, the idea of it has been the greatest motivator in terms of getting Lola to develop healthy sleep habits. Even in her first week, we've had a sleep routine. It starts with Lola's bedtime feeing in a low-lit, quiet room. I am insane with this feeding, basically force feeding her until it is 100% clear that she has absolutely eaten as much as her little body can handle (yet another mommy moment where Lola probably thinks to herself "mommy is crrrraazzyyy"). Then Sean changes her diaper in low light too and changes her outfit. Then he hands her back to me and I massage her little belly and little feet with Bedtime Lotion while I talk to her in a quiet voice about our day, tell her about what exciting things are coming up, or most recently, read her some poems from Where the Sidewalk Ends. Then we rock her a little, put her in her bassinet, turn her sleep sheep on, and pray for a good night.

Some nights, like last night, Lola fights us 'til the bitter end. We started this whole routine at 9pm and Miss Lola didn't go down until 11pm. Most nights though, she's pretty cooperative. Even if she doesn't actually close her eyes for an hour, she mostly stays quiet in her bassinet as she moves from side to side, kicks her legs, and flails her arms. Like her mommy, it takes a long time for Lola to finally settle into sleep. Eventually, she does doze off and as of two weeks ago, I stopped setting my alarm to wake her up every 5 hours. I was endlessly grateful to Sean for encouraging me to stop being so uptight about her night feedings. He sensibly said to me that she's getting older and gaining weight steadily so if she is in need of food, she will wake up on her own and let me know it. So, nervously, I turned off all of my alarms and tried to tell myself he was right. Well, that night, she slept for 5 hours and woke me up a few minutes before my alarm would have gone off anyway - Sean was right. Then, she slept for 6.5 hours. Then it happened again a few nights later. I sheepishly told Adrien and Vanessa this to check if it was medically okay that I was doing this. Vanessa was like, "Natalie! If she sleeps, you let her sleep!" Phew!

So, I became increasingly more comfortable with Lola's long sleep stretches and Lola got used to going longer periods without eating. AND THEN Sunday night, after a long day of lots of crying, Lola passed out cold at 9pm and didn't wake up until 7am the next morning!!! She did it again Monday night and AGAIN last night!!! I'm trying very very very hard not to get my hopes up that this miracle is a permanent situation but ohhhhh its so hard to not want it forever now. I've gotten a taste of what consecutive sleep tastes like and it is goooooood, oh so good!

Beyond how amazing it feels for me, Lola seems to really like her long sleeps too. These past three mornings she has woken up happier than I have ever seen her. She smiles huge smiles and even makes happy ahhgoo noises. Difficulty falling asleep followed by happiness after a good sleep-in? That's definitely my daughter. 

This weekend we have some challenges ahead of us and I hope that it doesn't throw off all of this great progress. First, we are going to a work event for Sean and leaving Lola with Kate. Depending on how late we are there, it could be the first time she goes to sleep without me. Then, early Sunday morning Lola and I are off to Florida. A three hour flight for her first time on an airplane... I'm beyond nervous! We will be in Florida for a few days then Wednesday night we will be heading to Allentown, PA for Thanksgiving. I'm so sad that Sean will be missing out this year but so excited for Lola to experience American Thanksgiving and get to meet more of her family :)

Speaking of family and news, my most favourite little guy turned a very big TWO YEARS OLD last week. Two! Can you believe it?

I can't stop looking at this picture and marveling at how much he has grown and how little I noticed he was SO not a baby anymore. I'm enjoying every second of watching him grow up. He is the sweetest, funniest little guy. I love his big blue expressive eyes and how he's always on the go. I love how much he loves trucks and - the ultimate- school buses, he is such a typical boy! I love how he asks to see Charlie immediately when we Skype and how he knows all of our names so well. The list goes on and on and on and I can't wait to see him in Florida and give him the biggest birthday cuddle.

Wait, if Zac grew up this quickly does that mean the same thing is going to happen to Lola? Oh dear God that can't be right! Surely she will always be a tiny little baby, right?! Suddenly having such little time for two-handed tasks just does not seem so bad at all! But alas, baby is still napping and my stomach is growling so I'm off to eat a sandwich before Lola inevitably hears the beep of the toaster and finds that time to be the most perfect time to require constant holding once again... wish me luck!

BRB

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's been so long. TOO long. I know. Its just oh wow has life been busy lately. I'm hoping to get back to this little blog very soon, I miss it! As soon as I can find a free bit of time, pictures will be posted and ramblings will be rambled.

Until then...

One Month of Lola

Our little Lola bean turned one month old on Friday.

 In some ways it feels like Lola was born just yesterday and in other ways it feels like she has been here forever. I hardly remember what life was like without her around. I remember doing a lot more sleeping though, I definitely remember that (fondly).

Here we are after a restless night with little sleep. 

Lola decided 10:20am was an appropriate time to catch some shut eye for the first time in hours and hours and hours...

But I can't complain. So far Lola has been so great. She's been patient with me as I figure out this whole mothering thing and rarely gives us that hard of a time. Thats not to say she isn't challenging and that its been all smooth sailing. Its certainly been an adjustment and absolutely been incredibly difficult. But when I see that round little face and feel her little hand passively rubbing my arm when I hold her, none of that seems to matter all that much. 

We're still learning a lot about each other and I often wonder what she knows about me so far because I like to think about what I know about her so far...

I know that she is noisy! Sooooo noisy! She makes the cutest little dinosaur noises, like little roars. She smacks her lips very loudly when she's hungry. She makes a squeaky noise as she stretches after a nap. I love all her noises so much, and not just because hearing her means I don't have to neurotically check if she's still breathing (which I do approximately 7 times per night...and thats a conservative estimate). 

I know that she really likes a warm bath. She instantly stops crying once she feels the warm water and her breathing seems to get more even while she soaks. She doesn't even cry when we wash her hair! Lola just sits in the bath with her eyes wide and calmly takes it all in. Watching Sean and I attempt to bathe her is hilarious in contrast. We could learn a thing or two about relaxing during bathtime from our little lady. 

I know that Lola makes the funniest movements. They're all mostly reflexes but its how she looks when she has a reflex and the way she has them that make me laugh. For example, she puts up one of her arms while scowling as if she's saying "ugh, no pictures please!" Her faces are also pretty amusing. She loves to give the ol' stink eye which never ceases to make me laugh. And her pouty face will melt even the coldest of hearts. 

I know that every day with Lola is a different day. Sometimes she sleeps all day, sometimes she screams bloody murder unless she's being held during every second of the day, sometimes its a combo of those two. On some days she spits up so many times I can't keep up (Like today. We've gone through 5 wardrobe changes so far.) while other times she burps immediately after feeding and seemingly digests her meal like an old pro. Sometimes she'll sleep for 4 hours at a time at night while other times I am pulling my hair out waking up what feels like only moments after her last feed.

Still, despite these daily changes, I know that Lola has a calm and relaxed disposition in general. Even when she is crying for hours on end, I know that calm buddha baby is under there somewhere.

I know that Lola is comforted by sounds. This week, we discovered that she loves her Sleep Sheep. Her eyes get heavy the instant we turn it on. We also discovered that we love the Sleep Sheep. Last night Lola had already been asleep for a good hour with no signs of stirring when Sean asked, "did you want to turn on the Sleep Sheep just in case?" I find it puts me to sleep faster than watching netflix on my computer, my tried and true get to sleep method of a decade plus! 

I know that pretty much the instant Lola was born, I have become an emotional wreck of a person. I cry at the drop of a hat - whether tears of joy or sadness. Seriously. In the last two weeks alone I have cried while watching Teen Mom 2 (that poor son of Janelle's, why does no one see how upset he gets when everyone is fighting around him?!), during the opening credits of Marry Me (note: this was the first episode of this show so I had no emotional attachment to any of these characters whatsoever, yet, still, crying), after every single day care tour and nanny interview, after receiving the most thoughtful and generous gift from Andy, while telling Sean how proud I was of him for putting in his first extraordinary long week of work, and the lowest of lows, while watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Theresa is really going to jail!). And thats just the short list. 

Finally, I know that this has been one of the hardest, most challenging months of my life and that everything has completely and forever changed since September 24th. But I'm okay with that. I love Lola so unconditionally and, for the most part, get pure joy out of caring for her. When its the hardest, I think about the future and how it will get easier with each passing day, each passing month, each passing year. I think about what Lola will be like as a preschooler, as a ten year old, as a teenager, as a young adult and that motivates me. 

I know we have a hard road and many more challenges ahead of us but we will just have to take it one day at a time and try to soak it all in. Whether it is a hard day or an easy day, one thing is certain: time will fly by. And I don't want to miss a moment. 

PS All professional-looking photos are courtesy of Vanessa :)

Nonno (aka the Ray in Lola Ray)

A year ago today, I was eating dinner when the phone rang. I didn't get to it in time and saw that I had just missed a call from Adrien. Then my cell phone rang. By the time I got to that phone, I again had missed Adrien's call. When he again called the landline, I suddenly had a feeling that this wasn't just an average call. I distinctly remember pressing "pause" on the remote and taking a deep breath as I braced myself for whatever I was about to be told. Despite that premonition, it took me a good minute before I could fully understand the shocking news that Nonno had suddenly passed away. 

I love this picture - how lucky am I to have had all 4 of my grandparents for 29 years of my life...

It feels almost silly to say he suddenly passed away and that we were shocked given that Nonno was 89 years old, but thats what it was: sudden and shocking. In my mind, despite his health problems and increasing mobility issues, Nonno was a permanent fixture in our family. He would somehow always be there. 

Nonno cuts his 89th birthday cake

 It took me a long time to stop feeling incredibly sad about losing Nonno and I think that was true for much of our family too. There was also a lot of other sadness occurring at the same time - Uncle Rich had received a terminal diagnosis and passed away several months later and in January we said goodbye to Oscar, our family dog of 17 years. It seemed like for awhile there was always something bringing us to tears.

So, when I found out I was pregnant in February, I hoped it signaled the beginning of the end of such a terribly sad period in our family. Then, I found out that I was due September 30th - only one day after what would have been Nonna and Nonno's 62nd anniversary and almost exactly a year after Nonno's passing. It made me want to incorporate Nonno's name somehow for our baby to be. When we found out we were having a girl, I still couldn't let go of that feeling. 

Almost all of Nonna and Nonno's grandchildren (we were just missing Adrien) celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary: September, 2012

Once we started thinking about the name Lola, it all fell into place. With such a girly first name, a boyish middle name would be such a nice balance. I floated the idea with Sean, nervous that he would veto it (we had a lot of trouble agreeing on names!) but to my surprise he agreed almost right away...with one stipulation - it had to be spelt R-a-y and not R-a-e, the more feminine version. He argued that if we wanted to honour Nonno with her middle name, it should be the way he spelt it. And so it was.

I always loved this picture.  I just loved watching Sean and Nonno together. 

The last time I saw Nonno was in August last year to celebrate his 89th birthday. We were off to South Africa the next week and then I was moving back to Ontario so it felt like the end of an era. But I also had a weird feeling that it could be the last time I saw Nonno. Sean suggested I take a picture with Nonna and Nonno, something we never really thought to do when we got together but for some reason we did this time. It was a great day at Uncle Rob and Aunt Gina's. The boys BBQd in the rain and we all sat and ate for hours. Everyone was in such great moods and I remember we laughed SO hard at so many different things. If I had to choose a last time I spent with Nonno, I guess thats pretty close to how I would have wanted it.

My last time with Nonno

I'm pretty sad that Nonno will never get to meet Lola and that Lola will never get to know Nonno. I'll have to tell her all about him. When she's older and drinking wine with the family, I'll tell her she better consider herself lucky that Nonno isn't there to count how many glasses she's had and give her a lecture if she exceeds more than two in any one holiday. And if she ends up being an eater like the rest of us, I'll let her know that her biz Nonno would have told her to be careful before she turns into "a square" (that is as wide as she is tall). And Lola's grandparents beware, I'm totally going to tell her about the hundred dollar bill Nonno would slip me (through his associate, Nonna) every single time I saw him, or his grandfather tax if you will. He cut almost everyone else off at one point or another but Nonno kept the gravy train going when it came to me. It was most likely because I was still in school but I like to think it was something else ;)

I know Nonno would have loved Lola and probably would have saw himself in her as she grew older. I know he always saw parts of himself in me as he would often tell me just that. I loved that. I think it made Nonno feel as if he knew me in ways others in our family didn't and it gave us something special to share. 

Nonno meeting his first great grandchild, Zac.

 I love that Nonno wanted to take his glasses off so we could take the best possible picture :)

Because we live far away now and because we didn't see Nonno as frequently as we would see our other family anyway, I sometimes can make myself believe that he is still with us, and its just that I haven't gotten to see him in awhile. That definitely helps. But as time goes by it gets a little easier to face the truth. Our family is different now. We had the most amazing run as a family of 14 (give or take a few with our generation pairing off and what not) and I'll always be grateful for those memories. But with Zac getting older, Lola in the mix now, and another Selim baby on the way in February, our family is changing again. And although I hate change and wish more than anything that Nonno was still with us, we certainly have a lot to look forward to. With this new generation started, I'm excited to see where our family goes next. 

I hope Nonno is looking down from above, mixing a martini with his pinkie while eating all the desserts his heart desires and enjoying every second of watching his family grow, expand, and take new form...