She's Arrived!

On September 24th at 8:40pm our little Lola Ray Bailey was born.

It was absolutely miraculous. I couldn't believe my eyes when she finally came out crying.

But a lot happened before then, much of which I wrote down as it happened. On Tuesday, Sean and I attended my morning OB appointment thinking that it'd be a fast in and out as usual. The previous Thursday we were getting results from our ultrasound and I had been convinced that the doctor was going to say I needed to be induced then, but to my surprise she said that everything looked fine. However, baby was still in the 10th or 12th percentile so needed close watch. As such, she asked me to come back the following Tuesday instead of Thursday as I had planned. 

So, both Sean and I were completely in shock when during a quick exam on Tuesday the doctor informed us that she had booked a spot for us the following day for me to be induced. She said that I was showing signs of being near ready to have her anyway, and since I was 39 weeks as of that day, she didn't want to wait any longer. Ultimately she said I could say that I wanted to wait but when she measured my belly and told me I was now only 30cm (instead of 34cm which I had been only 5 days earlier), we immediately decided better to be cautious and get her out sooner rather than later. 

Going home that day was surreal. It felt like I had 20 hours left in my life as I knew it. What do you do with that time? Sean was insistent that I spend it resting and conserving my energy as he knew good and well I wouldn't be able to sleep that night. So I tried to do just that but all in all I probably only put in about an hour of couch time. With the rest of the time I went and got my hair coloured (what?! the appointment had been made the week before!), packed and repacked my hospital bags (thank you Vanessa for skyping me through it!), and... honestly, I don't even know what else I did but somehow it felt like I had very little time. It felt like getting ready for a big trip somewhere far away and not being prepared at all. 

The next morning we arrived at the hospital at 7:30am and were led to our labour and delivery room. My OB came and broke my waters, which was incredibly painful but luckily also very quick, and I was hooked up to a monitor and an oxytocin drip. Thats when things started feeling very...clinical. I couldn't go to the bathroom without assistance from the nurse, fluids are leaking out of you every second, and things are beeping all the time. A feeling of absolute terror set in. I felt moments away from a complete panic attack - how was I going to do this?!

My contractions started to get stronger and stronger and more and more painful. Because of the drip I could see what level I was at in the process. It starts at a 2 and goes up to 24. Around level 6 I was reaaaaalllllyyyyyy getting the idea of what labour was all about. Then this screaming, moaning woman started walking the halls. She was in natural labour so I could only guess as to what level she would coincide with if she was on my drip. I estimated about level 18 and looked to the pain chart on the wall in front of me and guessed that she was a 9 out of 10. Every time she moaned I wanted to punch her in the throat. Shut up lady! Don't let me hear what this is going to be like!!! I'm scared enough! Clearly my capacity for empathy was already completely shot. I went into survival mode and told myself (and Sean) that that woman probably just can't manage her pain well. It would be different for me. Right? Right?! My terror level continued to rise with every sound that walking woman emitted. 

Then, an emergency C-section happened somewhere on the floor and since there were so many labouring women and not enough nurses to monitor those of us being induced, my drip was stopped. By this point I had reached level 10 and was in a significant amount of pain. Every time a contraction came on, which was starting to be about every 2 minutes, I could no longer speak or concentrate on anything other than the pain and feeling like I was going to throw up everywhere. So honestly, I was kind of relieved at first to get a break. But an hour into that break, with the majority of my contractions subsided and further and further apart, I started getting impatient and bored. I changed locations to a rocking chair beside the bed and Sean laid down for a rest. The nurse came back to find us like this:

I made sure to snap a picture (a feat as it was very hard to move around and get items out of my reach, like my phone, as I was still hooked up to the monitor) so that I could prove this actually happened later. Honestly though, I didn't blame Sean for napping, I would of if I could have!

At 1:40pm, 2 hours after stopping it, my drip got going again. Things go intense almost right away, which freaked me out significantly. I was feeling in about the same amount of pain as before but this time the drip was only at a 2 or a 4. How in the world was I going to get up to level 24?! And then another screaming woman came in. Oh dear God was she screaming. It sounded like a horror movie. I wanted to punch her in the throat too. But a few minutes after the screaming started, a baby started crying - just like that. The nurse told me the woman had come in only a few minutes earlier and was very advanced in her labour so a natural child birth was her only option. This made me panic. Contractions were soooooo hard, what in the world would pushing feel like? Probably a bajillion times worse I imagined.

I must have been talking a lot about my pain and fears because the nurse calmly mentioned as she checked on my progress, "you just let me know when you've had enough." Confused, I asked what she meant. She explained that epidurals aren't given early in labour because it can slow or stop labour but because I was being induced and my contractions were under their control, I could have an epidural at any time. "I don't want to be a quitter though." I said. "What would you be quitting, exactly?" asked the nurse. I didn't know but I stubbornly said that I would wait it out. Then I texted Adrien and Vanessa to make sure I wasn't missing any information, that getting an epidural early into labour wasn't a terrible decision. In the end, the nurse told me the anesthesiologist (whoa, I spelt that correctly on first guess!!) was passing by if I wanted to catch her before she tended to things elsewhere. Gritting my teeth through a particularly debilitating contraction, I nodded my head yes. It was 3:00pm.

Getting the epidural was by far the worst part for Sean. Knowing this would be the case, they had Sean sit down while they administered it. They tried very hard to work around my contractions but since they had returned full swing, this was rather difficult. It was challenging to be poked with needles and readied while doubled over in pain and told to not move. And Sean's face was looking more and more horrified with each passing second. When it was time to put in THE needle, they told to absolutely not move. But as soon as that needle went in, my left leg moved like a live wire. It felt like electric shock going through it. The nurse held my leg down and sternly told me once again to not move. Sean grew paler. It happened again. Same responses all around. Suddenly the team was a little more concerned with Sean than with me, repeatedly asking him if he was going to be okay. I wrote down after that it was heartbreaking for me to watch. My emotions were extremely heightened so seeing Sean so worried about me was deeply affecting. I felt so lucky to have such a caring husband who actually feels pain when he sees me in pain.

As all this was happening, a numbing feeling was spreading all over my body. Soon I could hardly feel a thing. Whoa what a difference. Except that it was almost overwhelming at first. Besides not being able to feel my legs and contractions, I also couldn't feel my arms and chest... And i felt pretty loopy. I had to try really, really hard not to slur my words and felt like a teenager who had just gone to a pill party (you know, where the kids put a bunch of prescription meds they steal form their parents into a bowl and everyone helps themselves?... or is that just on episodes of CSI: Miami and Oprah?) and felt almost embarrassed about it, as if I should have had more self control. Over time though, that feeling subsided and I settled into the bliss that was feeling nothing while birthing a baby.

Then the waiting game. Around 7:15pm my progress was checked on and I was about 7 or 8 cm dilated. They warned me that even if I got to 10cm in the next little while, it could still take 1.5 or 2 hours of pushing to complete the job. By 8:10 they had set everything up and it was time to push. Terrified that having had too much epidural would make me inefficient at pushing and send me to a c-section, I was determined to do this right! My OB instructed me on how to do it best and then left me in the care of the nurse who got me through twenty solid minutes. At that point she told me to stop pushing even if I felt the urge, she was looking for the OB and couldn't get ahold of her. A few minutes later in she walks. "Where have you been" asked the nurse. "Getting us tea like I said" she replied. They then discussed whether or not the nurse had said tea was necessary or no while I waited patiently to resume this little process. They then dived into the task together and I felt like I was in spinning class with instructors yelling motivating things at you to get you up the imaginary spin class hill, except that this hurt a lot less and actually felt a wee bit easier.

At some point they told me to reach down and feel my baby's head. They told me she had hair and that she was almost here. It couldn't have been much longer when I was instructed to look down. One push later I heard her crying and suddenly there was a baby in the room. A tiny, squirming, full head of hair baby that was all mine. It was an indescribable feeling that literally took my breath away. And they are right what they say: I was instantly in love.

After some incredible time with baby on my chest, she was cleaned up and weighed. Two nurses, the OB, Sean and I all placed our bets on how much we thought she weighed. Of course, her mommy had the closest guess of all.

And just like that, she was no longer baby girl in my belly but Lola out in the world.

So Much To Celebrate

Wow I've been very neglectful of this little blog. My sincerest apologies to any of you out there who are still checking in. Its been just a bit hectic and there hasn't been all that much time for writing and picture downloading and uploading etc etc. Mostly because I'm just so damn slow at it (as is my ancient computer who likes to freeze approximately every three minutes).

But its not just that, theres been A LOT of happy, exciting things going on too keeping us busy. One huge thing thats taken up most of our time - we moved into our new house! Call it the nesting instinct (or just call it what it more likely was: my typical insanity) but as of yesterday we are almost completely unpacked...and we only moved in one week ago! Not an inch of decoration to be seen but if baby girl decides to come now, I feel ready...at least in terms of knowing where things are. Probably only in terms of knowing where things are, actually. I'm not sure I feel ready in any other way whatsoever! But perhaps thats a whole 'nother post altogether!

ANYWAY, besides the excitement of settling into our new home, there has also been a lot of celebrating happening. First, there was Kathryn's bridal shower -

Kathryn and Jonathan are getting married October 4th, a mere four days after our little one is set to arrive. Its been kind of weird to have all these celebrations like her shower and her bachelorette (see tomorrow for pics!) to countdown towards the big day as it just makes me so aware of the timing of our big day too! I go back and forth with whether I think I'll be holding a baby in my arms or in my belly during it... Either way, its been so great to have Kathryn's wedding to look forward to and so nice to get to see the Oakville girls so regularly during all the parties. Its great to be home again :)

Theres also another very special wedding coming up: Kate & Jason's next July. Though its still early for showers and bachelorettes for this particular event, a few weeks ago we got to celebrate what will be with their engagement party:

Unfortch, this is the only picture I have from their lovely party... it doesn't do it or them justice at all. They make a gorgeous couple and never more than on this night. I am SO excited for all that is coming in the next 10 months as we head towards their July, 2015 wedding day!! 

And then, there was my SECOND baby shower. It was such a beautiful day with the sun shining brightly even though it was supposed to rain all weekend and tons of friends and family dressed up nicely enjoying the last moments of summer. Mom did such an amazing job with everything, it looked absolutely incredible (thanks Nicole for all of the following pictures!!). 

The details were amazing. Since Sean and I ended up loving a lot of elephant details for the nursery, and since theres a lot of grey in her room, mom went all out for the shower getting elephant everything and making sure everything was pink and grey. 

And how incredible is that cake?! Notice the baby bump on it?

I also loved the reppin of my daughter's dual citizenship:

Now she's ready for the 4th of July AND Canada Day. She's also ready for Valentine's Day, St. Patty's Day, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and any other "Day" you could possibly think of thanks to her family, especially her grandmothers. I really should take a picture of the gigantic mountain of clothes we have for her thanks to them!

I typically feel quite awkward and uncomfortable being the reason for a party but it turns out baby showers are not so bad. Everyone is way more excited about the baby rather than you which is perfect for me! Its so cool to see just how much love this baby already has in her life. It felt so genuine. I really loved every moment of this day.

my beautiful McGill girlies 

The absolute best part though would have to be spending the entire weekend at home with 16 of my family members! I can't tell you how wonderful it was to go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning under the same roof as so many people that I love. It was SUCH a great time.

We ate outside under the tent once the shower attendees had gone, we swam in the pool together (with Charlie anxiously keeping guard), everyone got acquainted with our baby girl's active little feet, and as usual, Zac's cuteness stole the show. I mean, come ON!

And I got some great quality time in with these beautiful girls. Is there anything better than family??

Since this magical day there has been so much on my mind baby-wise but its getting late and my birthday boy hubby is actually requesting we head to sleep well before Monday night football has wrapped up, so I know he must reeeaallllyyyy be tired. Since we have an OB appointment early in the AM, I'm headed off with him to catch some Zs too. So, I'll be back tomorrow with more, I promise. That is, unless our little lady decides tonight is the night she starts making her way into the world... After all, in one hour I'll be exactly 39 weeks!

Quickie Update

Thanks to everyone who has been following up with us about our little one's progress. She sure has a lot of support and love out there, we are so lucky :)

Yesterday the OB took a look at my ultrasound report from this week and reported that baby girl is looking healthy. The Biophysical Profile ultrasound that we had on Tuesday looked at her heart, her muscle tone, the umbilical cord, and amniotic fluids and all were great. Next week we will have another growth ultrasound where they check out her measurements including her weight (checking weight week after week isn't precise enough as any changes could just be due to measurement error, apparently). So, if she is still measuring small, we'll know its likely not due to any deficiency on my part creating a home for her but maybe she's just ready to come out and eat on the outside rather than on the inside (maybe she's sick of cord-processed Nutella and is hoping for the real thing? Who could blame her).

I have a feeling though that she's gained some weight in there. I feel much heavier and she feels much larger and more cramped in there! Last night she was stretching out A LOT and it was completely winding me. I actually didn't know what to do, it felt like I couldn't give her enough room. And beyond that feeling, my belly is measuring 2cm bigger than it was last week so its not all just in my head!

If anything new comes up, I'll be sure to be back here in a hurry to update everyone. And hopefully well before then with posts of various kinds as well.

Happy Fall weekend! xo natalie

The 9 Month Bump

Wow what a week or so its been. SO much has been going on. I had my last day at work, we packed up our entire Toronto house, moved to my parents, suffered through a cold, met with the lawyer for our house closing meeting, had an ultrasound appointment, had an OB appointment, Andy visited from Australia (thus requiring two nights out to catch up with Ontario friends), and celebrated Kathryn's bachelorette. Whew! 

In the midst of that tornado, I managed to snap a few iPhone pics of my 9 month belly (sadly the camera was already packed):

 Small you say? Not much different than my 8 month bump? You could be right...

We had an ultrasound this week and an OB appointment two days after that and found out that our baby girl has dropped down from the 25th percentile (the very end of the average range) to around the 15th percentile in terms of her size. The good news is that she is almost 5lbs and I am almost full-term. So, even if she is teeny tiny, she'll likely be alright. The bad news is, I have to go for endless ultrasounds from here on out and if she still isn't growing as she should within the next two weeks, I might have to have her early (i.e. full term but prior to my due date/40 weeks).

I'm feeling pretty okay about all of this despite how scary it can sound. I feel her moving all the time and having her in me I just have this sense that she's alright in there. I feel like I would somehow know if she was in distress... is that delusional thinking? Denial? I'm not certain but it sure does feel better than stressing about it all the time.

Dealing with others' reactions to this update has been a little bit more difficult. I think it may be harder for those on the outside to have the same its going to be alright feeling that I have. Its also been a bit jarring at times when people comment on my smallness, which is often. I'm totally down for most comments, they're obviously coming from a kind place and they are nice to hear (who wants to look as big as a house?), its when people go on and on about it even though I've already said, "yes, I am small because she is a small baby" in a tone that I believe conveys that this is a less than ideal situation. But its totally understandable, we live in a culture where telling someone they look small is a compliment. And I 100% have made size comments to other pregnant women throughout the years with the best intentions so I get it. But like once you've made your comment, please move on - I'm talking to you Pottery Barn cashier ("You hardly look pregnant at all! And I see A LOT of pregnant ladies. Like a LOT! Like every day. And they don't look as small as you").

Also, I do know that my belly is smaller by comparison to many others but its not like its invisible. I mean, check this out:

Thats no ant hill!

Despite all the scary things we had to face at the doctor's this week, what was the hardest to wrap my head around was hearing her say things like, "If your water breaks, call Labour and Delivery. If you start having 4 contractions within one hour, call Labour and Delivery." I nodded along but in my head I was thinking, why are you telling me this lady? Its so unreal to me that 1. we are going to have a baby and 2. we are going to have a baby VERY SOON. I sort of just got used to this whole pregnancy thing! Even as I write this out I don't really believe it. I felt like she was telling me routine things just cuz she has to as a doctor, not because these are things I now need to know now as the main event will ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT A DOUBT be occurring shortly.

Anyway, month 9 actually started on Tuesday so I've become well acquainted with it by now. I think I may have a skewed version of the experience given that she is such a small baby (thus making things a bit easier overall) but in general I am feeling quite tired, I get out of breath easily, and I've got a definite waddle going on. I've gotten used to sleeping again and have figured out a method that seems to be quite efficient when put to use (i.e. in between one bajilion nightly pee breaks). And I'm still cycling between wanting her to stay in Motel Natalie forever and wanting to meet her immediately. I think I might even actually be more on the wanting her now side of the pendulum if it weren't for our impending move next Sunday. I really want a chance to set up her nursery and some essentials for Sean and I so that I can have my full attention on her once she is indeed here. I have a feeling that as soon as thats done though, I'll be bursting with excitement about meeting her and willing her to come ASAP. As if I have any control over this!

At this point, I'm just so excited about all of it. I can't wait to see what she's like. I can't wait to see what being a mother is all about. I can't wait for the challenge of it and to say things like "This is the hardest thing I've ever done" while also feeling that its the BEST thing I've ever done." I can't wait for Charlie to have a little sister and to see what he's like with her.

And also, I can't wait to see my feet again.