One Month of Lola

Our little Lola bean turned one month old on Friday.

 In some ways it feels like Lola was born just yesterday and in other ways it feels like she has been here forever. I hardly remember what life was like without her around. I remember doing a lot more sleeping though, I definitely remember that (fondly).

Here we are after a restless night with little sleep. 

Lola decided 10:20am was an appropriate time to catch some shut eye for the first time in hours and hours and hours...

But I can't complain. So far Lola has been so great. She's been patient with me as I figure out this whole mothering thing and rarely gives us that hard of a time. Thats not to say she isn't challenging and that its been all smooth sailing. Its certainly been an adjustment and absolutely been incredibly difficult. But when I see that round little face and feel her little hand passively rubbing my arm when I hold her, none of that seems to matter all that much. 

We're still learning a lot about each other and I often wonder what she knows about me so far because I like to think about what I know about her so far...

I know that she is noisy! Sooooo noisy! She makes the cutest little dinosaur noises, like little roars. She smacks her lips very loudly when she's hungry. She makes a squeaky noise as she stretches after a nap. I love all her noises so much, and not just because hearing her means I don't have to neurotically check if she's still breathing (which I do approximately 7 times per night...and thats a conservative estimate). 

I know that she really likes a warm bath. She instantly stops crying once she feels the warm water and her breathing seems to get more even while she soaks. She doesn't even cry when we wash her hair! Lola just sits in the bath with her eyes wide and calmly takes it all in. Watching Sean and I attempt to bathe her is hilarious in contrast. We could learn a thing or two about relaxing during bathtime from our little lady. 

I know that Lola makes the funniest movements. They're all mostly reflexes but its how she looks when she has a reflex and the way she has them that make me laugh. For example, she puts up one of her arms while scowling as if she's saying "ugh, no pictures please!" Her faces are also pretty amusing. She loves to give the ol' stink eye which never ceases to make me laugh. And her pouty face will melt even the coldest of hearts. 

I know that every day with Lola is a different day. Sometimes she sleeps all day, sometimes she screams bloody murder unless she's being held during every second of the day, sometimes its a combo of those two. On some days she spits up so many times I can't keep up (Like today. We've gone through 5 wardrobe changes so far.) while other times she burps immediately after feeding and seemingly digests her meal like an old pro. Sometimes she'll sleep for 4 hours at a time at night while other times I am pulling my hair out waking up what feels like only moments after her last feed.

Still, despite these daily changes, I know that Lola has a calm and relaxed disposition in general. Even when she is crying for hours on end, I know that calm buddha baby is under there somewhere.

I know that Lola is comforted by sounds. This week, we discovered that she loves her Sleep Sheep. Her eyes get heavy the instant we turn it on. We also discovered that we love the Sleep Sheep. Last night Lola had already been asleep for a good hour with no signs of stirring when Sean asked, "did you want to turn on the Sleep Sheep just in case?" I find it puts me to sleep faster than watching netflix on my computer, my tried and true get to sleep method of a decade plus! 

I know that pretty much the instant Lola was born, I have become an emotional wreck of a person. I cry at the drop of a hat - whether tears of joy or sadness. Seriously. In the last two weeks alone I have cried while watching Teen Mom 2 (that poor son of Janelle's, why does no one see how upset he gets when everyone is fighting around him?!), during the opening credits of Marry Me (note: this was the first episode of this show so I had no emotional attachment to any of these characters whatsoever, yet, still, crying), after every single day care tour and nanny interview, after receiving the most thoughtful and generous gift from Andy, while telling Sean how proud I was of him for putting in his first extraordinary long week of work, and the lowest of lows, while watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Theresa is really going to jail!). And thats just the short list. 

Finally, I know that this has been one of the hardest, most challenging months of my life and that everything has completely and forever changed since September 24th. But I'm okay with that. I love Lola so unconditionally and, for the most part, get pure joy out of caring for her. When its the hardest, I think about the future and how it will get easier with each passing day, each passing month, each passing year. I think about what Lola will be like as a preschooler, as a ten year old, as a teenager, as a young adult and that motivates me. 

I know we have a hard road and many more challenges ahead of us but we will just have to take it one day at a time and try to soak it all in. Whether it is a hard day or an easy day, one thing is certain: time will fly by. And I don't want to miss a moment. 

PS All professional-looking photos are courtesy of Vanessa :)

Nonno (aka the Ray in Lola Ray)

A year ago today, I was eating dinner when the phone rang. I didn't get to it in time and saw that I had just missed a call from Adrien. Then my cell phone rang. By the time I got to that phone, I again had missed Adrien's call. When he again called the landline, I suddenly had a feeling that this wasn't just an average call. I distinctly remember pressing "pause" on the remote and taking a deep breath as I braced myself for whatever I was about to be told. Despite that premonition, it took me a good minute before I could fully understand the shocking news that Nonno had suddenly passed away. 

I love this picture - how lucky am I to have had all 4 of my grandparents for 29 years of my life...

It feels almost silly to say he suddenly passed away and that we were shocked given that Nonno was 89 years old, but thats what it was: sudden and shocking. In my mind, despite his health problems and increasing mobility issues, Nonno was a permanent fixture in our family. He would somehow always be there. 

Nonno cuts his 89th birthday cake

 It took me a long time to stop feeling incredibly sad about losing Nonno and I think that was true for much of our family too. There was also a lot of other sadness occurring at the same time - Uncle Rich had received a terminal diagnosis and passed away several months later and in January we said goodbye to Oscar, our family dog of 17 years. It seemed like for awhile there was always something bringing us to tears.

So, when I found out I was pregnant in February, I hoped it signaled the beginning of the end of such a terribly sad period in our family. Then, I found out that I was due September 30th - only one day after what would have been Nonna and Nonno's 62nd anniversary and almost exactly a year after Nonno's passing. It made me want to incorporate Nonno's name somehow for our baby to be. When we found out we were having a girl, I still couldn't let go of that feeling. 

Almost all of Nonna and Nonno's grandchildren (we were just missing Adrien) celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary: September, 2012

Once we started thinking about the name Lola, it all fell into place. With such a girly first name, a boyish middle name would be such a nice balance. I floated the idea with Sean, nervous that he would veto it (we had a lot of trouble agreeing on names!) but to my surprise he agreed almost right away...with one stipulation - it had to be spelt R-a-y and not R-a-e, the more feminine version. He argued that if we wanted to honour Nonno with her middle name, it should be the way he spelt it. And so it was.

I always loved this picture.  I just loved watching Sean and Nonno together. 

The last time I saw Nonno was in August last year to celebrate his 89th birthday. We were off to South Africa the next week and then I was moving back to Ontario so it felt like the end of an era. But I also had a weird feeling that it could be the last time I saw Nonno. Sean suggested I take a picture with Nonna and Nonno, something we never really thought to do when we got together but for some reason we did this time. It was a great day at Uncle Rob and Aunt Gina's. The boys BBQd in the rain and we all sat and ate for hours. Everyone was in such great moods and I remember we laughed SO hard at so many different things. If I had to choose a last time I spent with Nonno, I guess thats pretty close to how I would have wanted it.

My last time with Nonno

I'm pretty sad that Nonno will never get to meet Lola and that Lola will never get to know Nonno. I'll have to tell her all about him. When she's older and drinking wine with the family, I'll tell her she better consider herself lucky that Nonno isn't there to count how many glasses she's had and give her a lecture if she exceeds more than two in any one holiday. And if she ends up being an eater like the rest of us, I'll let her know that her biz Nonno would have told her to be careful before she turns into "a square" (that is as wide as she is tall). And Lola's grandparents beware, I'm totally going to tell her about the hundred dollar bill Nonno would slip me (through his associate, Nonna) every single time I saw him, or his grandfather tax if you will. He cut almost everyone else off at one point or another but Nonno kept the gravy train going when it came to me. It was most likely because I was still in school but I like to think it was something else ;)

I know Nonno would have loved Lola and probably would have saw himself in her as she grew older. I know he always saw parts of himself in me as he would often tell me just that. I loved that. I think it made Nonno feel as if he knew me in ways others in our family didn't and it gave us something special to share. 

Nonno meeting his first great grandchild, Zac.

 I love that Nonno wanted to take his glasses off so we could take the best possible picture :)

Because we live far away now and because we didn't see Nonno as frequently as we would see our other family anyway, I sometimes can make myself believe that he is still with us, and its just that I haven't gotten to see him in awhile. That definitely helps. But as time goes by it gets a little easier to face the truth. Our family is different now. We had the most amazing run as a family of 14 (give or take a few with our generation pairing off and what not) and I'll always be grateful for those memories. But with Zac getting older, Lola in the mix now, and another Selim baby on the way in February, our family is changing again. And although I hate change and wish more than anything that Nonno was still with us, we certainly have a lot to look forward to. With this new generation started, I'm excited to see where our family goes next. 

I hope Nonno is looking down from above, mixing a martini with his pinkie while eating all the desserts his heart desires and enjoying every second of watching his family grow, expand, and take new form...

Baby Brings Out the Best

Before Lola was born, I kept trying to get Sean to talk about what we were going to do when the baby inevitably made us prone to arguing. I figured taking care of an infant meant being sleep deprived and stressed out, two states of being that in the past have led to less than nice interactions between Sean and I. We tend to get grumpy when we're stressed and tired which causes us to be grumpy towards each other. Now throw in the fact that we are both extremely stubborn people and you get a recipe for endless conflict if we aren't careful! Its true that we are least patient and understanding with the ones we love the most - think about it, don't you let more things go with a friend than you do with your spouse? - and I was worried that adding a baby to mix as well as becoming more hormonal than ever before would lead us down a bad path. And I wanted a game plan.

Sean on the other hand kept asking me why I was preparing for the worst. What if we had an easy baby? What if we adjusted to being tired better than I expected? His argument was that there was just too many variables and we should be optimistic rather than plan for disaster. I was skeptical and truly did not believe that just going with the flow would be the most productive strategy...but turns out he was right.

It definitely helps that Lola has been a dream of a baby and I know that her easy temperament totally plays a role in all of this but from the minute we found out I was going to be induced, our relationship has felt more positive than ever before. Suddenly, we aren't unconsciously keeping score, we are letting things go more, we are picking our battles, we are working as a team, and we are rarely arguing.

Before Lola, I thought that I wanted everything to be fair. I didn't want to be "stuck" taking care of the baby just because I'm the mom. In my head I was thinking the baby is half me and half you so it should be a 50-50 job. Well, thats not exactly feasible. For one, Sean doesn't have the physical ability to feed Lola right now so there in and of itself means I need to be the primary caregiver for at least 8 hours of every day.  Then theres the fact that I'm not working right now while Sean is so to me it doesn't make much sense for him to be awake at night with us. Even if he could help by changing diapers during the night shift, I've come to think whats the point. I mean, I'm already awake anyway, why not just finish the job myself? In fact, I find that having Sean asleep beside us while Lola feeds at night is more than enough for me to feel supported by him.

Then, during the day I have no problem asking Sean to change Lola's diaper and to get me things that I need while I'm feeding her and he has no problem hoppin to it. He likes caring for her in any way that he can. He also holds her or hangs out with her so that I can shower or eat or run to the store. Basically, he doest whatever he can whenever her can. So, even though at this point I have to take on the majority of the responsibilities, I don't feel that its unfair at all. And I don't feel alone like I thought I would if everything wasn't exactly precisely 50-50.

But beyond the logistics of caring for Lo, theres also been a change in how I feel and how Sean and I interact with one another. Of course, situations arise that would have previously led to arguments but I find that instead of getting caught up in the emotions of it all and my temper getting set off, I am somehow now able to remain focused on what it is that is upsetting me and explain it calmly and rationally. And then other times, I just don't find it worth it to be upset about whatever it is that might have previously upset me. Its not even that I don't have the energy to argue, its that I don't care to. And I think Sean is finding the same thing to be true for him.

There is also the incredibly joy that becoming a family has brought to us. Its hard to feel anything but positive when you feel so blessed. We have a beautiful, healthy baby girl, an amazing house that we love, a patient dog who has taken incredibly well to a severe lessening of attention, and supportive families that are willing to help in any way possible. Add in that Lola is generally a calm and content baby and there really isn't much to be upset about!

I know it was incredibly pessimistic of me but I really thought that having a baby would likely turn me into an emotional wreck. I thought that I'd really have to be careful to not take it out on the people I love, especially Sean. But that really has not been the case at all. There was a moment the other day when Sean and I were in the car with Lola and Charlie. The sun was setting and the sky was a beautiful pink colour and on the radio a great song was playing and it suddenly hit me - this might be the happiest I have ever felt. 

I know that life is only going to get more challenging from here - Sean starts working out of the house as of Monday (and starts working 12 hour days, 6 days a week), Lola is getting increasingly more fussy and awake, and I only have 11 more weeks at home myself - but having had this positive start makes me aware of what is possible for us. 

And with this cute face, Lola is the best reminder of why we should always be the best versions of ourseleves, both individually and together. 

PS All these amazing pictures are courtesy of Vanessa. She also took a ton of extremely adorable ones of little Lola, which I'll post next :)

Big News!!!

Little miss Lola has reached a new milestone! As of this Monday, she now weighs a whopping 6 lbs, 1oz! You have no idea how happy this makes me. For so long we were told that she wasn't growing, that she should be growing more, that no one could figure out why she was still so small... and now, look at her grow!

 Check out my monkey in this picture, her face is getting so nice and round (and as Kate pointed out she almost has a double chin! Never thought I would be excited about a double chin but I am!!).

I was induced because the OB thought that perhaps Lola would do better on the outside. She said she "maybe just needs a change of restaurant" and she was right. That too makes me incredibly happy as I feel like now forcing her out into the world was totally the right way to go. She's thriving out here whereas eating in the womb was a struggle for her. I'm so relieved.

(In case you are curious, they did some investigating during the birth and my OB found that my placenta was slightly off-center which she suspects may have been the cause of Lola's difficulty in getting the nutrition she needed to grow efficiently)

The other reason Lola's weight gain is such big news - I can now leave her to sleep in 5 hour stretches rather than 3 hour stretches! So far, Lola has taken advantage of this deal only once per night but thats totally alright with me! By the time I finish feeding her and changing her as she inevitably poops while eating, an hour has passed which means that there is 4 hours left for me to sleep until its time to get her up again. Let me tell you, 4 hours is SO MANY MORE HOURS than 2 hours. I'm so grateful that she allows me that luxury. Sooooo grateful. Hopefully she keeps that one stretch a night up! I mean, I'd love it if she'd add even more sleep stretches to her repertoire but I don't want to get greedy now ;) Believe me, I count my blessings every single minute that Lola is the sleepy and calm baby that she is.

Now, off to eat as quickly as possibly while Lola is still sleeping...at this time of night, Lola is a feeding machine looking for a top off pretty much every hour on the hour. So much for a glass of wine with dinner now that I'm not pregnant!

A Week In Review

One week in and counting with Lola and oh what a week its been! Every day has been SO different. And every day seems to get better and better, which I am eternally grateful for. 

 As positive as my labour and delivery experience was, and as good as I felt after (I don't even think I broke a sweat! Seriously!), the recovery was a completely different story. Whatever the exact opposite of glamorous is, thats what the recovery process has been. Painful, tiring, and, well, pretty disgusting. 

We got home from the hospital at 11pm at night with the nurses telling us that our baby was about to change from a dreamy, hardly demanding little angel into a wailing, insatiable, tiny demon as she entered the second day of her life. Apparently newborn babies give their mothers rest from labour for the first 24 hours and then start to really need them, and their bodies, to get going with the whole supporting a new life business. Well Lola didn't exactly change into a demonic being but she sure did cry a lot and she sure did need to feed. All I wanted was a shower but first, Lola needed to eat. Thinking this would take maybe 20 minutes at most, I thought I'd get it out of the way first then hop in. Nope. Little girl nursed for an hour and a half with no signs of slowing down. At a certain point I had to hand her over to Sean and just take a break. I finally just took a shower even though she wasn't showing signs of slowing. I thought the warm water would be soothing and calming but I was wrong about that. With a marathon feeding session on a body new to this whole breastfeeding business, stitches healing down below, and a baby wailing inconsolably from the other room, it was one of the worst and most painful five minutes of my life. The water felt like glass cutting through my body and getting dressed after was incredibly challenging. 

Oh, and all of this had to be done quickly because Lola was still hungry and I needed to keep feeding her so that my milk could come in properly. I switched from side to side as the minutes and then hours passed and with each moment I felt an increasing amount of agonizing pain - down below as I tried to find a way to sit and feed and up above as Lola fed for hours drying my skin and making everything cracked and bleedy. Throughout the night I had moments of desperation and thoughts of giving up breastfeeding altogether but I somehow managed to never cry and never completely break down. I had  strong feeling that this wasn't the real Lola, this was just Lola doing her part to get my milk in and that if we could make it through this phase, I'd have my little calm buddha baby back. So I looked at her, said "okay kid, we got this, let's do what we need to do" and gritted my teeth against the pain. Sean was the greatest support, telling me I was doing a great job and validating how incredibly difficult this all must be. And when I needed a break, he would hold our screaming baby while she bobbed and head butted him looking for what he could never provide her with. At 5:30am, I finally managed to get Lola to suck on my finger while she laid between Sean and I and we both drifted off into a restless sleep. Thank God as after not sleeping for nearly three nights straight (couldn't get much shut eye the night before I was induced), I was terrified that I would fall asleep while Lola was feeding and that she'd fall. 

When the sun came up the next morning I felt so relieved. I still felt in incredible amounts of pain but I had survived the night and suddenly Lola was back to "herself" (yes I felt like I knew her after only one day with her!). And the next two nights were SO much better. Feeding was still incredibly painful as I didn't have milk yet and my skin was so dry and cracked but Lola and I were starting to get the hang of things. And she was sleeping throughout the night, with ME having to wake HER for feedings every 3 hours. In the end, I managed to get about 6 hours of sleep each of those nights. Not consecutive, of course, but never in my wildest dreams did I think I could get that much sleep in the first week! I felt pretty good during the day and though I moved very slowly, I was up in the world and could sit(ish) and eat meals with the family. 

That was the other thing - my in-laws drove up the morning I was induced and arrived in the afternoon before Lola made her appearance. So while I was upstairs trying to survive, downstairs my house was being cleaned and worked on, meals were being made, and all other tasks in general were being taken care of. George became well known at our local Canadian Tire and Home Depot while Karen never stopped moving, cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, organizing our entire garage full of boxes into neat and tidy recyclable piles that the city would accept (don't even get me started on the rejection of our recycling and garbage every week, stupid city), etc, etc. Without their help I don't know what I would have done. And then on Friday my parents arrived home from South Africa where they had cut their trip short to rush home for the baby. I'm waiting for the day that I don't feel guilty about that, I so wanted them to experience a South African safari and was so worried about them traveling such long distances in such a short amount of time but to see them on Friday was incredible. I've become VERY emotional lately and so having them close by again was a great comfort to me. And it has been amazing to have them already know Lola - after all, they wouldn't have met her until today if they had stayed until the end of their trip. So yeah, in conclusion, family is the best. And we are so very blessed to have such loving, supportive parents who drop everything to care for us. We love you guys. 

Anyway, now back to the week round up. Day 5 was a bit more challenging. The pain seemed to get worse and around 6pm I started having an impeding feeling of doom: the night was coming and I'd be all alone with Lola in the dark. For the second night in a row, I cried during dinner. So embarrassing. It was just that my emotions take over me these days and beyond that, every so often the realization pops into my head of just how huge a commitment we've taken on, that there is no vacation from motherhood. I know that 1. we have it easy so far and 2. it gets even better from here as she gets older, but its still a gigantic thought to know you have taken on an all-consuming, lifetime job. Maybe it was a premonition for the night that was coming or maybe my anxiety made Lola anxious too but she clusterfed again, though this time only from 10pm to 12:30am. Luckily, she returned to an every 3 hour schedule from there, phew. 

The next day, Lola decided it was time for a new trick - falling asleep while feeding! I'm not talking about drifting off lightly, I'm talking passed out cold, like a train could pass through her nursery and she would not stir kind of passed out. As I hadn't slept very much the night before, it was challenging to patiently get through hour + long feeding sessions that seemed to only yield 3 minutes of food for little lady Lo. A lot of work for no pay off! And then there is concern about when to do the next feeding - if she didn't eat for more than 3 minutes total this feed, how long should I wait until the next feed? Does this mean we are feeding all day today? How does this work?? As you can see, breastfeeding = A LOT of questions and the questions always change and just when you mastered one challenge, out comes a fresh new one. Luckily, I have people who have gone through this before who have been on call for all my questions. This time, Jenny saved the day. She told me the doctor (who is also now Lola's doctor too) told her to feed more regularly during the day so that at night you can stick to the 3 hour feeding schedule and even if she falls asleep during feedings then, she'll have had enough to eat during the day that she'll be alright. And to keep an eye on diaper output to make sure that this is indeed the case. Well, our little girl's diaper output is what some might describe as stellar. If she hasn't wet her diaper (or even if she has) by the time you change her, you can bet your bottom dollar that she will go number one or number two, or both if you hit the jackpot, as soon as you slip that clean diaper under her tushy. Somebody needs to have a talk with Lola about the cost of diapers these days!

Oh and we also went to the doctor that morning - the first time I had left the house since giving birth, a true feat! - where Lola received a glowing review. The doctor told us "you guys are doing a great job" and said that Lola had almost regained her birth weight. To hear, finally that our baby is growing was such a relief. Its been so long since we've heard that her growth rate has been positive! She definitely seems to be thriving on the outside. So with all that in mind, I felt more confident going into night feedings, knowing that if she fell asleep before eating enough, it would likely turn out alright. 

Since then, Lola has been falling asleep a little less during feedings, especially night feedings. Challenges come up daily but every day I feel stronger and stronger and in less and less pain. I'm almost sitting like a normal person again! Its so nice to feel so much more like myself again and so much easier to change diapers while still half asleep when I'm not wincing against the hurt. I'm still slower than normal, have less than half of my previous, pre-pregnancy brain, and get out of breath quite quickly but it all seems manageable now. Whereas 2 days into recovery I was convinced I would never have another child, I'm already starting to forget how excruciatingly painful it all was... 

As for what Lola is like. Well, she is a dream. She sleeps A LOT and generally seems to enjoy that activity the most. She's strong and mighty despite her size, even the doctor said so. She kicks her legs like wild when we change her and lifts her head up as if its no big deal. She doesn't fuss all that much and usually quiets down after a minute or so of crying, as if she doesn't have the time of day to make more of a big deal out of things. She makes adorable little noises and is prone to the hiccups. She's been opening her eyes more and more and looks around with such interest. Sometimes she opens one eye only to investigate where she is and when she does that she looks like the most skeptical little being ever, its hilarious. She loves being held but is also fine chillin on her own for the most part. She has the longest fingers and the loves to cross her little feet. And finally, she gets more and more beautiful by the day. 

I know it might have been naive of me to not realize that the recovery process would be the most trying time of all but I really didn't see it coming. I thought pregnancy was tough and came with so many challenges that once Lola was in the world, things would let up a bit, at least in terms of how I felt personally. I knew I would be tired and that being a mother would be challenging of course, but I never thought about how painful it would be and how this pain would make adjusting to motherhood a bajilion times more difficult. Despite it all though, I am so in love with my little girl. All the pain in the world could never diminish the pure joy and absolute happiness I feel when I look at Lola, and thats the greatest feeling of all.