FOOD

Lola tried solids for the first time ever last weekend.

Okay thats not entirely true, for awhile now I've been sticking foods of various kinds in her mouth when she's in her bumbo chair cooking with me...

Officially though, Lola has now tried oatmeal (response: meh), avacado (response: yum), and bananas (response: unsure).

And I've officially become one of those people who takes pictures of her kid with mushed up food all over her and thinks its the greatest thing ever.

~ 6 Months ~

Lola turned 6 months old today.

I don't know what it is about hitting this 6 month mark, but it feels huge.

Its been such a great month, despite our struggles with breastfeeding. Lola is developing like crazy, sitting up on her own most of the time, jumping in her exersaucer,  putting evvverryyyything in her mouth, etc.

 It seems that the more alert and aware she is, the happier she is. It feels like shes smiling all day long. I mean, every so often she'll get a bit fed up of her present activity and start complaining (which mostly takes the form of her fake crying - shes a smart baby, sometimes she mimics the cry she makes when she's REALLY upset so that you come running only to find her perfectly fine, no tears in her eyes at all and smiling immediately upon being picked up), but for the most part she is smiling and giggling and just so pleased with life.

She's still a tiny little thing - some of her 3-6month clothes are still rather large on her and she has a ton of 0-3month clothes still. Though in this last week it seems she's been filling out more than ever. Maybe its because we've started feeding her a bit more at each feeding since she always seemed still hungry after downing a bottle.

Speaking of feeding, this month Lola started feeding herself. She holds the bottle and can finish it all on her own! We have to sometimes take the bottle from her and make her take a breath cuz she just chugs them down as if she's never been so hungry in all her life.

And as heartbroken and torn up as I was about Lola's nursing strikes...well, it all seems to have worked out for the best. Once I stopped pumping while feeding in the morning and forcing the early evening feed, everything improved. Now I nurse Lola only before bed and in the morning. No more pumping. No more forcing it. I feel absolutely relieved and so so happy and I think Lola does too :)

So now a day in the life of Lola looks like this: we wake up (i.e. I wake Lola up) at either 7:10 or 7:40, depending on my work schedule for that day. Then, diaper change, a glance out the window to check on the status of the melting snow (almost all gone!), and downstairs to feed while watching the Today show. Then Lola naps from about 9:30-11:00 then again from about 2:00-3:30. She has a bottle after each of these naps and then eats again about half an hour after I get home from work. Then, at 7:00, we get started on her bedtime routine (which I wrote about in a previous post) and miss Lo is down for the count by 7:30.

So far, Lola has still been sleeping through the night. I can't even tell you how incredibly grateful I am for this extraordinary luxury. I'm aware that it can change at any moment but I'm crossing everything that if it does, its fleeting! Every now and then she cries for a moment or two but usually she's drifted back to sleep before we can figure out what to do about it!

Besides it being awesome for us that she sleeps so much, Lola sleeping is also the most adorable thing in the word. At night, she sleeps on her side and sucks her left thumb while her right arm is flung over her eyes. During naps, she starts off on her belly, again with her left thumb in her mouth, but in the last two weeks Lola has been active while napping. Kayla, our nanny, said that a few times she found Lola on her side and then, this weekend, I managed to catch Lola in the act - she flung herself with such force so that she moved from one side of the crib where she was on her tummy to the other side and on to her back. This kid is getting stronger by the day!

Anyway, thats the 6 month round up. I'm sure theres so much more but alas, this is all my brain can manage tonight.

Its been a great. great month and I can't wait to see where we go from here. 

The Heartbreaking World of Breastfeeding

Often times when I’m posting here it’s not just for me but for friends and family near and far too, a way to keep in touch and keep everyone in the loop. But today, this post, well this one seems just for me. I just need a place to vent today…

When youre pregnant, people warn you of a lot of things – you’ll lose sleep, you’ll never leave the house again, you’re heart will grow bigger than you ever imagined, etc. But nobody ever warns you about how much you will cry! Sad tears, happy tears, tears of frustration, of helplessness, of pure joy. It just doesn’t end.

This week, the tears have been all about breastfeeding. Oh, the heartbreak that is breastfeeding.

When I was pregnant, I always told people that I would try breastfeeding and if it really wasn’t working out to the determent of my happiness then I wouldn’t push it. It doesn’t take being in mental health to figure out that a happy mom means a happy baby but my preceding year working so closely with post-partum depressed moms and their little ones, witnessing that interaction face-on, yeah that certainly cemented it for me.

A couple of years ago Sean and I were out to dinner with friends of ours who had recently become parents. In talking about how thrilled we were to see them out so early into the storm, they explained that they had a bit more freedom since their baby boy was being bottle fed with formula. Colin was a premie who had trouble sucking due to his teeny size so Kerrene had been pumping like crazy since day one to still get him breastmilk. Obviously it had been challenging (who can stand being attached to a machine for all that time?!) and after finding her in tears, her husband said maybe enough is enough. Though this all happened 2.5 years ago, well before I had Lola anywhere on my mind, this memory stuck with me so fiercely. It sounded so logical and simple – do it if it works, stop when it doesn’t. Sean agreed.

So this is how I went into it. Everyone talks about how challenging it can be and I did find that to be true – it hurts SO much at first, it makes you a weepy, emotional mess, your body feels so used, its tiring, its confusing, and just when you think you’ve mastered it, a new challenge comes along and you feel like a beginner all over again. But for me, the challenges were never that severe and they never outweighed the benefits. Though I was a weepy mess, that weepiness was often happy weepiness and I loved those happy hormones. Also the convenience couldn’t be beat. And stopping to feed provided me with special one on one time with my little Lola that was just ours. No one else could feed her, just me. I loved that.

We had a great run for a long time. I took such pride in that Lola was exclusively breastfed. We fed throughout the day and throughout the night and rarely ran into too much trouble. Leading up to January I pumped and pumped and stocked my freezer obsessively so that nothing but my own milk would ever be digested by my Lola. I was surprised to find how smoothly the transition to work was too – I’d feed Lola before I went to work, pumped a bottle before work, pumped another one at work, then fed Lola myself another three times before sleeping. In this way, I was feeding Lola at least 4 times per day and the 2 bottles she was getting were filled with that liquid gold, 4oz each of Natalie’s finest.

But then the bumps in the road started. Frist, I was finding it harder and hard to pump enough to make  a decent sized bottle. When I sheepishly shared this with Lola’s doctor at her 4 month checkup, he laughed and gave me formula. “But is it okay to supplement with formula?”  I asked. He looked at me like I had two heads – “Of course its okay!” he replied (read: how else do you plan to feed her?). It clearly did not bother him in the least but it still bothered me.

It took me a good two weeks before I finally gave in and made Lola’s first formula bottle which just happened to coincide with us having friends over. As I handed over Lola and her bottle over to Kate I told the room, “Its formula, don’t judge me.” I can hardly describe the puzzled, why-do-you-think-we-give-a-shit looks I got in response to that comment. Its safe to say that the only judgment I was getting was in regards to my mental state for thinking these childless friends of mine would care the slightest about the contents of Lola’s bottle. That was the day I learned that the only person in my life judging me for this feeding nonsense was…me.

And so formula became part of the repertoire. I was still pumping and feeding same as before but now there was a lot less pressure attached to it: when I didn’t get enough milk, formula would top her off. On weekends we would stick to her weekday routine, giving her two bottles each day (sometimes a mix of milk and formula, sometimes just milk, sometimes just formula). It was then that I realized I loved bottle-feeding Lola. She is so funny during feedings! She loves to hold the bottle herself and won’t let go of it for anything in the world. It was also so sweet to see her and Sean spending that quiet time together. Everything seemed perfect.

This lovely phase lasted until last week. As we settled into our 5:30pm nursing, Lola immediately seemed agitated. Still, she ate. Until suddenly she slapped her hand down and pulled herself away and screamed. I swear, it wasn’t even crying, it was screaming. Then just as suddenly she went back to feeding as if nothing had happened. I almost thought I imagined it…until Lola did it again a few minutes later. And again. And again. Since then its happened on and off during her afternoon and evening feedings, though less so at night before bed.

Last night it reached a new level during her nighttime feeding. Sean came up to the nursery to find both Lola and I in hysterics. “I think its time to stop” he said gently.  

Yes, these evening feedings were getting stressful and sad but I still had the morning feed! Although my mind knew Sean was simply enforcing the plan I had always set out for myself, I wasn’t giving up my first feed with Lola.

Then this morning, for the first time, Lola screamed her way through breakfast.

...

I had to take a break from writing this after that sentence. The truth is, although I have been growing increasingly more done with breastfeeding, I am still having a hard time knowing that Lola is feeling the same way. My very lovely friend Jacqueline kindly framed this positively, pointing out how attuned Lo and I are with one another (obviously Jac is a psychologist too, we are all about attunement). I should be happy – we both are reaching this conclusion together. But instead… I just feel so sad.

Despite how down I am about it, I know that stopping breastfeeding is the right decision for us. Honestly, there is a lot that I could do to try to reinstate Lola's interest. There's no shortage of tips and tricks online. But I don't have it in me. 

Maybe I wouldn't be taking this so hard if there wasn't SO MUCH judgement out there regarding all of this. Even the formula comes with a warning label: breastfeeding is the preferred method for feeding infants, consult a doctor. The solid foods guide we got from the hospital says that one should breastfeed for at least 2 years for proper development. Its put the fear of God in me that unspeakable things will happen if I quit breastfeeding too soon. 

But then I look at Lola and see how happy she is, how beautifully she's developing, and I think about how we got to this point by going with the flow, listening to each other, changing with one another. When the biggest changes came, there wasn't much thought to it, we sort of just moved in that new direction because it felt right. And every time we've found happiness and success. 

When I really concentrate on that, no longer breastfeeding doesn't really feel like a decision at all so much as the natural end of one path and the beginning of the next. I loved my time nursing Lola and I am so grateful to have had these 6 months with her. I know many moms who wanted that experience so badly and didn't get it, I know I am a lucky one. 

So, I'm going to snuggle Lola extra closely in the remaining nursing sessions we have, enjoy every second of it, soak it all up. 

And then, with a heavy heart, we'll move on.

Cousins Weekend (The Next Generation Edition)

Two weekends ago we headed to Montreal to meet the newest member of our family - one month old baby Noah Lawrence.

Oh what a little doll he is! Even though I have my own baby to hold these days, I couldn't get enough of holding Noah. He feels so different. And not just in weight. Actually, although Noah was born only slightly bigger than Lola (Lola was 5lbs 12oz, Noah was 6lbs even), he's really packed on the pounds since then and felt totally solid and sturdy. I loved that about him. He looks like a little old man (complete with the old man hairline and all!) and feels like humpty dumpty, all round and squishy. He is just so delicious I can't even really put it into words.

So yeah, even though he is indeed smaller than Lola, I was surprised to find that Lola didn't look like a gigantic baby next to him. Instead what surprised me was how mature she looked next to him. How engaged and attuned with the world around her in comparison. It made me realize just how far she's come in such a short time. It was hard to even remember what it was like when she wasn't all eyes wide open and aware!

It was also so great to spend time with Zac and get to see him in his new role as big brother. I can't believe how much older he seems now, its as if he grew up over night. Surrounded by the babies, Zac is a BOY now, not even a toddler. He loves playing and is so social. And he's just so happy and energetic, all smiles and giggles. It all makes me so excited for Lola to get to that age one day.

It was a bit of a shock to see how big our immediate family has gotten. Its one thing to know there are now 3 kids but a whole 'nother thing entirely to see it in action. At brunch on Sunday there was so much going on - babies crying, feedings, Zac playing and chatting. It was such happy chaos.

I'm so glad we got a chance to visit. Watching Lola interact with Zac and being with all three of them in one place I kept thinking - this is just the beginning for this trio. I love my cousins so much and have the best time when we are all together. It blows my mind to think that this is what we've started here. 

Thanks for a great weekend A&V! 

~ 5 Months ~

Yet another post left slightly unfinished until now - this one was written a week and a half ago and was just waiting for some pictures to be uploaded. 

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Lola turned 5 months old this week!

The changes we have seen this month have been incredible. Lola is SO engaged with the world. She’s discovered so much these last few weeks. Its almost as if her eyes are really open to our reality for the first time.

I mentioned in a previous post how Lola has discovered Charlie. Well, that is an ongoing discovery and their sibling relationship is really starting to unfold. Sean and I couldn't love this more.  

Lola is also really into textures lately. She loves exploring how things feel and is delighted when theres a contrast between materials. This focus on texture has made her even more excited about Charlie so that now she not only wants to look at him, she wants to pet him too. Charlie has been a great sport, lying down next to Lola while she swats his paws and pulls at his ears.

 Lola’s developing in a ton of other ways too. She hates being on her back lately, I think because she finds it so restricting now that she’s discovered she can move her body when she’s in a different position, like when on her stomach. She also loves sitting up and this past week has gone from sitting up (with the help of pillows) to folding herself over and getting on to her stomach, all in the name of reaching for a toy or something interesting just beyond her reach.

The preference for sitting up has been great for me as it means now Lola likes being in her bumbo chair. I set her on the counter as I cook and as long as I keep talking to her about what we are cooking (and sometimes stopping to sing and dance quickly, she’s a bit demanding), she stays happy. This has made evenings infinitely easier and I am so grateful!

Lola isn’t sitting up on her own just yet but every day she gets a bit more sturdy. Its exciting but also terrifying – how is this all happening so quickly?? Her muscles are more and more developed every day. I remember being so astounded when she first started grasping. This month? She's not only grasping with both hands, she's pulling objects towards her and sticking them right in her mouth! The kid is getting skilled!

But the biggest change of all this month is something I already wrote about briefly: Lola is now sleeping in her crib. I was not at all ready for this but Lola sure was. It all started on the long weekend when Lola had her worst night in months. She was restless starting from 2am and wide awake by 4am. I finally gave in and fed her at 6am. Then she (thankfully) slept solidly until 9:15. The next night, same thing. And though she happily ate when offered a meal, I could tell her heart really wasn't in it. She was eating just because not because she needed it. She was also starting to wake up exceedingly early. I thought maybe it was another growth spurt or maybe she was getting sick or maybe this or that but nothing helped her sleep better, not even feeding her! 

One morning I thought hmmm I wonder what would happen if I put her in the crib...well lo and behold, little girl fell back asleep and stayed that way for another 3 hours! Success! Also, she turned herself so much in her sleep that she ended up perpendicular to how I had left her. Poor thing, she was probably just feeling cramped and claustrophobic in her tiny little basinet! Not to mention, I think she was starting to get annoyed with us moving around in our sleep. Miss Lola was ready for some independence. 

Since the move to her crib Lola has been doing great and I've adjusted okay too I guess. At the very least I'm checking the monitor less and less frequently throughout the night. And I have to say, even though I was SO sad that first night and missed her presence so close beside me, I'm kind of loving it now. Lola and I were side by side for over a year so of course it was an adjustment but its nice to have my room back again and nice to have the lamp on or the computer loudly playing Netflix. Lets be honest though, I do go in to check on her before I go to bed myself and its incredibly hard to pull myself away from watching her sleep. And Sean's not innocent in this area either - I always see him peeking in on her too. 

Oh AND, remember last month when I was writing about how I was kind of nervous about Lola's binky addiction but figured it would even out eventually and thus I would not worry about it and just go with the flow. Well, half of that was true. I fretted about it, worried about it, obsessed about it (despite my writing that I would not) but it did indeed work itself out. So much so that Lola doesn't even really take a binky anymore. She's back to spitting it out with distaste and looking at us like please, you think that's going to shut me up?

I also didn't ever think her naps would become consistent but thanks to our nanny, Lola is now taking two 1.5 hour naps each day - one around 9:30am and another around 1:45pm. It is heaven to know exactly when to expect a break!

So yes, from 4 months to 5 months there were indeed great changes. Yet somehow it feels (and I've been told) that this is just the beginning. I am so happy to have this little blog to chronicle all of this. It lets me relish the little changes as well as the big ones and has been a great way to document evvverrryyythhhiinnngg. I was always that kid that kept a diary or journal - I probably kept one on and off for the better part of my life. I've always had this need to write things down - I love memories and the way they morph and change the farther you get from the actual event. But I also love comparing these memories to what actually happened or to what it was like for me in that moment. That contrast has always been so fascinating to me. So thank you to all of you out there reading this. For humoring me, for keeping me going so that I have this to look back on, for sharing in all of this with me. If this is 5 months, I can't wait to see where we go next :)

It'll Be Okay As Long As I Don't Start Using the Phrase "Staycation"

Apparently I wrote two posts on February 15th and didn't publish either of them!... no idea what the hold up on publishing this one was. 

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Lately I've been feeling a little restless. 

For years and years Sean and I always had something going on, something on the go, something in the works, something to look forward to. For example, this time last year we were gearing up for a March full of travel - one weekend we were in Montreal for a cousins weekend, the next we were in Jamaica for a wedding, and the weekend after that we were in Allentown to surprise George for his 70th birthday. It was non-stop.

And although I have to admit that a month of jam-packed travel weekends did start to be a bit much, its been hard to be SO on the opposite end of the spectrum lately.

What I didn't expect is that its not actually having a baby that's slowed us down, its more Sean's job. The idea is that his hard work now will hopefully afford us much more vacation and freedom later on...but its often hard for me to keep long-term gains in mind.

I guess I feel unsettled by the fact that on the surface it looks like this: we had a baby, our life stopped. And thats just so not what its been like. So it almost makes me want to prove something to I dont know who exactly. So much so that when Arie & Al had to cancel their overnight stay with us at the last minute, I almost booked a flight to Montreal and back for today. Yes, I'm eager to meet my newest nephew Noah and hang out with my favourite little dude Zac so that definitely played a role too. But I think its this restless feeling brewing inside me that really had me almost pulling the trigger on an insane plan that involved two flights in one day and a tiny 4 hours in Montreal (at best).

Sean talked me down, thankfully. And I have to say, I'm so happy he did. It turns out a long weekend at home, no travel, no plans (besides an extraordinarily fun afternoon and evening with friends over last night) feels ahhhhhhhhmazing. Sean, Lola, Charlie and I just hung out all day. Coming off a rough night with Lola, it was incredible to sleep in until 9, stay in sweats all day, pick at leftovers in the fridge instead of cooking, and just enjoy one another's company.

In the end we Skyped with the Selim clan in Montreal and although its definitely not like the real thing, it felt good nonetheless. I still plan on seeing the fam sometime soon but I'm trying to be more sensible about it - maybe we'll go for 2 days and 1 night rather than trying to get there and back all within a single day. And I have a weekend in Nashville coming up at the beginning of May so its not like theres noting on the radar!

Although its not having Lola thats entirely derailed our typical crazy traveling inclinations, I do have to admit that she does play a role. Its no longer worth it to me to take time away from her more than I already do. And if I tired myself out traveling on the weekend, I don't want to be exhausted playing catch up during the week. I want to be rested and present when I get home at the end of the day. She deserves that.

So yes, life is different now. We won't be exploring any new countries soon or planning an elaborate trip to somewhere new and exciting. But I know that this is not a forever state of affairs. We'll get back to that one day.

For now, I'm just going to try to relish the relaxing weekends at home. After all, we have no shortage of   incredible worldly adventures to look back on and enjoy retrospectively. We truly have been blessed with some amazing experiences that I can't wait to tell Lola all about them :)

You've Come A Long Way Baby

I wrote this post on Sunday, February 15th but never posted it as I hadn't yet inserted the video I wanted or any pics. It seems this is always my problem - I either write a post and take forever to upload pics or I edit a bunch of pics and then don't have any time to write... Alas, I cut my losses with this one. Here is the post with no pics, just the cutest, sweetest video you'll ever feast your eyes upon. 

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This past week has been quite something. It feels like Lola developed in leaps and bounds. I first noticed on Monday, when she seemingly discovered Charlie. As we waited for Sean to come home from work, the two of us sat on the floor and just watched Charlie walk in front of us, disappear behind the couch, and reappear on the other side. Each time, Lola was thrilled. She would strain her neck to follow him with her gaze for as long as possible and was really studying everything about him.

Lola also seems to have take a new interest in others too. This week she started reaching towards our faces, especially when we're smiling. As if she's studying how things look and feel all at once.

She's also more engaged. She likes to be involved in conversation and acts personally insulted if you forget to include her. Sometimes when I'm making dinner and Lola is playing on her play mat on the kitchen floor, she'll start crying just because I've forgotten to keep talking to her. As soon as I go back to narrating what I'm doing, she's happy as a clam.

Last night, Lola joined us at the table for a meal with friends. We had my McGill girls over - Marnie with Adam and Steph with Jack - and Lola was thrilled to sit in her bumbo chair atop the table, following the conversation with her eyes, and smiling ear to ear whenever we talked directly to her. Good thing Marnie suggested the Bumbo or I wouldn't have even tried it, up until now Lola hasn't liked it!

Oof, she's getting so old and wise, my little one.

And oh so mobile! Check out this video below. We love it so much that sometimes Sean and I watch it 3 or 4 times before going to sleep.