One Year of Motherhood

One year, one year, ONE YEAR! Can you believe it? Our little Lola bean has been in our lives for one whole year.

I am proud to say I only cried about this once. And it was hardly even a full cry, I think it would even be better classified as tearing up. This, my friends, is a significantly different emotional response compared to my one-year-ago-postpartum self.

But regaining control of my emotions is just the tip of the ice berg. One year after Lola was born, I feel so totally like my pre-Lola self that its almost hard for me to believe. I've regained so much of what makes me me and honestly, I'm so relieved. One of my biggest fears about becoming a mom was that I'd somehow become a worser version of myself, that a lack of sleep and an increase in stress would make me somewhat of a burnt out mess. But just the opposite has been true. I feel more relaxed and happier than... well, I think...ever.

Case-in-point: Tonight after getting home late from a spontaneous dinner out with the fam (that's me being newly flexible!), Lola found the 1 minute window wherein she was diaper-less as mommy was getting her quickie bath ready (that's me being la la everything is fine even though we are SO behind our usual schedule) to suddenly exercise her previously backed-up bowels. And thus - poop on the floor. Which I noticed as she crawled happily towards me, poop smudged on her hands and feet. And then as she began to strain again and I saw an opportunity to ensure that she finally had a full poop (that's me realizing being a mom means being very attuned to your child's pooping or lack thereof). So, I swooped her off her feet, holding her out far enough for her poopy hands to stay away from my recently washed hair, and rushed her to the toilet. Then suddenly I realized we have a dog. I yelled and yelled for Charlie to stay away until Lola was done her business then I rushed back into the nursery (again, poopy baby outstretched in front of me) just in time to see Charlie finishing off the last of Lola's floor decorations. And what did I do, you ask? Cry? Scream? Call Sean and demand he come home and deal with these disgusting children of ours? Nope, none of the above. I laughed. A serious, full, hearty laugh. And then I got to work cleaning it all up and we all went about our business as if it was just another normal night. I could never have anticipated that I'd be someone to take something like this all in stride, but here we are.

My pre-mom self also could have never imagined the next thing I'm about to write: going back to work when Lola was 3.5 months old was actually the best thing that could have happened to both of us. It helped in so many ways. It got me focused on establishing healthy sleep habits from pretty much day one which ultimately led to capitalizing on Lola's natural sleepiness. It forced me into  pumping and bottle feeding which turned out to be incredibly freeing (no worries about going out and enjoying an afternoon away or an evening out). And it made me have to trust others with caring for Lola, something I really, really struggled with (and which was doing neither of us any favours). Don't get me wrong, if more babies are in our future, I am certainly taking advantage of a full year mat leave. But now I know what's possible. I know that I don't need to ALWAYS be there, hovering, fussing. I know that even though pumping is akin to torture, the fact that it allows for a bit of freedom makes it so worth it. And most of all,  if I start feeling sad and overwhelmed in that time off, I know that I could always go back to work before a year is up and I'll end up feeling good again. That's so comforting to me.

Here's another thing I never thought I'd be writing: I am so happy I stopped breastfeeding when I did. Given how I felt at the time, I never imagined I would feel so resolved and so totally fine about it. Admittedly, it took another month after writing that post to stop completely, a time that was wrought with self-doubt and heartache, but once I did in fact stop, I never looked back. It was just really nice to feel like my body was mine again. And at the same time, I didn't feel one ounce of a loss of connection.

I guess thats also something thats really changed about me this year - I have never been so confident in my decisions. This is huge given that I am the most indecisive person ever and have definitely lacked confidence to a fault. But when it comes to Lola, I have such a strong sense of conviction in the choices we've made for her. I can't tell you how incredibly important this is in a world where motherhood is filled with judgment, comparisons, shoulds, judgment, unsolicited opinions, conflicting yet very convincing "research," judgment, and oh yeah, more judgment. I know what's best for Lola, thats the bottom line. Judge all you want, I don't care in the slightest. Seriously! When have I EVER said that. I mean, before Lola, never even in my own head had I even thought something like that. And I have to say, it feels pretty damn good.

I know I started off this post by saying I'm back to my old self again but now that I'm reflecting on this last year, I can see that thats not really true. I'm not who I used to be. Motherhood has changed me. I guess just not in the ways I expected. I though I'd somehow be less, like becoming a mom would mean losing a part of myself. But just the opposite has been true. ...I think I've become more. 

Oh great and there I go crying again. Damn it. So much for regaining emotional control, I suppose that part is still a work in progress...

So that's my year as a mom in review. Next up, a year of Lola in review. I promise lots of adorable baby pictures will accompany ;)