Sleeping Lola

I have a confession to make...

Sometimes I watch Lola while she sleeps.

I know, its super creepy. And also pretty annoying given that I don't just passively sit there and watch her. Oh, no. I rub her back, pat her bum, touch her cheek. Often I'll smooth down her ever-disheveled hair. Sometimes I put one finger inside her loose fist and hope she grabs on reflexively like she used to. I could go on.

Sean tells me I'm pushing my luck. Or Lola will suddenly wake up crying 10 minutes after I was in there and he'll ask, "what did you do?!" He is totally not on board with my habit.

Not that he's all that innocent either. Every night after turning off all the lights and climbing the stairs to bed, I see him poke into Lola's room to look at her for a few minutes. He claims this is different as he just looks, never touches. I think thats just semantics.

But you can't blame us. There's just something about this kid.

And there's just something about watching her sleep.

I feel like I notice so much more when she's asleep. I marvel in the little details. I love when she puts one hand under her cheek so that it smushes it up in the most adorable way. I love her long pretty eyelashes. I love how she sleeps on her side, with her feet crossed over one another, ever so daintily.

Sometimes I try to pinpoint exactly where it is that she looks older, bigger. I wonder if she's really grown so much again today or if its all just in my head. I think about how much I love this exact moment, this specific age and try not to imagine what she'll be like even with one more day of development. I try to savour every single minuscule bit about this moment in time.

What I try not to think about while I'm doing this? That at any moment Lola could wake up and see me there staring at her, like a big ol' creepy creepster.

Eventually the thought of that pulls me out of there to leave my little monkey to her peaceful night's sleep. A restful, serene slumber, without her crazy mother lurking just beyond the crib slats.