From ??? to !!!

For awhile now, I've been dealing with the uncertainty in my life much differently than I used to. In the past, I would constantly ruminate over trying to figure out every single detail of the uncertain future and fret that it would never work out well. I know, I know - I'm still a bit of a catastrophizer and often jump to the worst conclusion but I really have gotten a lot better. Certainly a lot better when I compare it to all four years at Pace. And I think that largely has to do with 1. the culture of psychology doctoral students and 2. how many different times you have to prove yourself over and over and over again in order to get through each different stage of the program.

But things started to improve when I matched for internship. Given the dismal stats that 25% of applicants don't match, it was the first time I figured that I must have been doing something right up until that point if THAT worked out. And then I fell head over heels in love with my job, proof that everything worked out just as it should and I had matched at just the right spot for me. So when it came time to think about whats next in life, I started to have a bit more confidence that everything would be okay, even if I didn't overthink every single tiny, unpredictable detail. A great place to be given that unpredictable seems to be the motto of our life in the last 8-12 months!

It has been a roller coaster and I think I've done a relatively good job at going along for the ride. At the very least, a good job compared to old Natalie of 2013 and prior. When I first found out I was pregnant, we had absolutely no idea where or when Sean would find a job and if the career he wanted was even a real possibility, we hadn't slept a single night in our new house and were still living at my parents, and I had not even a clue as to what I might do for work once my job ended at the end of August, one month before the baby was due (as calculated using the roughest of date estimates entered into a babycenter.com online calculator, the first of many many many weird pregnancy and baby related google searches). But instead of obsess over it as I would in the past, I just threw my hands in the air and said meh, what will be will be.

Honestly, this likely wasn't a chosen approach but the only approach . Everything in our lives was a giant question mark and all we could do was keep truckin along, filling in gaps as we went, slowly, slowly, little by little. Just as one piece would fall into place, something new would happen and we’d find ourselves with no less questions than before, just new questions. Our attempt at a “plan” would be altered, we’d discuss and discuss, then ultimately come to the conclusion, “we still have way too much to figure out before we can have it all figured out.” Sort of scary when the “things to figure out” included if Sean could get the job he wanted, if I could get a job after my current one finishes, where these jobs might be located and how we might get there given our one car situation, how much we could afford in life, what our childcare plan would be, when it would need to be implemented, etc etc not to mention we were also weeding through the many questions all soon-to-be parents tackle too:  how do you know how much to feed a baby, when do you feed the baby, do they need to be bathed every day, how do you keep a child alive when we can barely do an adequate job of that for ourseleves??? Did I mention that these are a sampling of only the most current questions? It seemed like every sentence in my life finished with a high pitched note at the end, my face contorted into a puzzled expression, and a shrug of my shoulders.

And then this past week happened. Within a span of 48 hours both Sean and I could at least finally answer one gigantic question each (waterfalling into answers to subsequent questions too).  After a dedicated search, months of perseverance, and giving up a guaranteed but less-than-ideal job, Sean was offered a great, great, great, amazing job and is now officially able to start on his dream career. I could not be more proud of him. I always knew he would get to this point eventually but I’m thrilled he can now rest easy knowing that too and will get to be what he really wants to be when he grows up. But nothing in life comes easy and we both know that this dream also comes with looooooong hours at work and years of paying his dues… especially intimidating when only one day earlier I too was offered a job, essentially altering our situation from two parents at a home with a baby to two parents working full-time…(MUCH more on that to come, I promise I'll throw some France pictures in there when I do get to that, just to make it more interesting).

What made this even sweeter (if that’s even possible) is that the final email exchanges and phone calls that solidified both of our positions took place literally on the way to the airport where we departed for our family vacation. I've never felt so relaxed and content as we watched the Toronto skyline disappear beneath us. 

Of course, several days later, I now have a new crop of questions and worries floating around in my head, keeping me up at night but I’m trying my hardest to hold on that Friday feeling and remember that my laid back approach still managed to lead to success. What I want to always remind myself of (and pretty much the reason for writing about this at all) is that everything turned out okay because, as Sean reminds me often, we're constantly working at making everything okay all along the way, whether we worry, fret, and ruminate about it or not. By just doing what we do, working hard day by day, and NOT over thinking things, planning ahead when we really can't anyway, and just letting things fall as they may, we were rewarded with pieces to the puzzle that was (is) our life. I want to be like that as a parent and teach that to my daughter too. I don't want her to be a worrier and constantly riddled with anxiety, its debilitating and miserable and in the end, I've realized, its pointless. I don't want her to go through 30 years of her life before coming to that conclusion herself. So I'm taking it as my responsibility as her mother to know this myself, believe it, and change for good. 

Much still may be a mystery but that’s okay. That’s what makes it interesting. 

...Right? ...Remind me I said all of this in oh, probably like 2 hours.